You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

So Penny Arcade has been going on for five years now, huh?
I couldn’t believe it when I first heard it. I thought, that can’t be possible, I started reading it right at their two year anniversary, which was like… three years ago!
Then I remembered how to add, and it suddenly, life made sense.
I remember when I first started reading it, and I emailed Tycho and told him I loved his site and I wanted to work for him. He politely told me that they didn’t really do stuff like that, but thanks for my interest, and we emailed each other a few times back and forth. I used to pimp them out on my college radio show, which doesn’t sound like much, but it broadcast at as many kilowatts as any other Nashville Radio Station, and it got a lot of listeners. I would spell the URL out slowly and point out the importance of the dash between words, as I did not yet know of the hype that was Penny Arcade.
I now realize that it was akin to walking up to a random person on the street and going, “Hey, have you heard of this place called McDonalds? They’ve got really good stuff, you should check them out.”
Well, maybe not any person on the street, but Penny Arcade is pretty much the McDonalds of the inter-world.
And I suppose it’s even stupid for me to mention all this here, because if you know what PA is, then you’re a reader and they certainly don’t need any hits that I’m giving them, but I just have to point it out, because of the impact it’s had on my life.
Gabe made me want to start drawing, and Tycho made me want to write eloquently and have people read it. They are the reason I have a website, and unfortunately, they are the reason I have a crappy webcomic. They are the reason I met Porkfry and learned what a CamPortal was. Then I met Carlos and Joe through them, I feel like they’re my parents. They’re the reason I’m here. Sorry. I don’t mean to get all existential on you, but I just have to give shoutouts.
I still have the first email from Brad the Store Guy who told me that he stumbled on my site, and called it “pretty comedic shit” and it just made my fucking life.
That and the fact that Pork told me he told Jerry and Mike about my Raclettes when he got back from Baltimore. Full circle, people.
Full circle.
IN OTHER NEWS, I have other things to say.
Tonight was closing night on Kiss Me Kate, the show for which I was running spot.
I think I have a social disease. The amount that I dreaded showing up at this cast party, and the amount of time sitting in my car outside the cast members’ house telling myself that I needed to go in there was such that I feel I should seek doctors’ attention. “No one made you go,” you might say, if you were a smug bastard, and then I would say to you “Well how ELSE am I gonna get an audience for the finals on Tuesday? Everyone else has seen my act a hundred times.” Then I’d kick you in the crotch.
So yeah, I went in, I pimped myself out to complete strangers, and I went home.
At least I don’t have to think about it anymore.
It’s a wonder I have any friends at all, for the amount that people terrify me.
One last thing before I go, I’ve been meaning to talk about how crazy this world of comedy is. In a world where it’s every man for himself, and every man thinks he’s better than the next man, there’s a whole lot of chatter about all the other men.
Okay, to put it in words that make sense, everyone here knows your every move.
Tom doesn’t read my site, but knew I went to see Richard Jeni. Brett knew Felicia got kicked out of Sam Morgans 9 hours after it happened. I’ll come home from Scooby’s to find an email from someone I hadn’t seen in a week going “So how was Scooby’s?”
It’s a crazy world. I half expect to get a Text Message from Bill Scott in a few minutes going “That’s a tasty looking sandwich you got there” and it’ll freak me the fuck out.
But I love it.
I came home and told my mom how terrifying socializing with people had been at the cast party, and she goes “How can you stand up in front of a room of people and try to make them laugh with material you’ve written, but you can’t stand in a crowded room and make small talk with one or two people?”
I can’t explain it. Public speaking has never been a problem for me. It’s the private speaking that gets me. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PERSON IS GOING TO SAY?!?!
Jesus, it could be ANYTHING. And you just have to stand there and come up with an answer right there? And what if they secretly want to go get some more chips? You don’t want them to stand and talk to you because they feel obliged when really they just want some doritos, but then what if they walk away? Then you’re just standing there, and you have to take the initiative to go move in on a whole new conversation and start the cycle over again.
Man. No thanks, buddy.
Alls I need are my books. That’s all I need in this whole world.
My books and my video games.
I don’t need one other thing.
My books, my video games, and this paddle game, that’s all I need.
I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure.
Well, what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something?
Update –

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