Why do I beg like a child for your candy?

So you want to hear more about how right you were that night shift sucks?
Well, you’re in for a treat.
Because I’m going to give you a day in the life of your illustrious webmaster.
Where do the days begin?
I’ll begin when I wake up.
10:00 PM — Crawl out of bed. Try to catch a bit of South Park while I’m getting dressed. Ask God why 8 hours isn’t enough sleep. He doesn’t answer, but I have a feeling it’s redemption for how much I hate some people.
She deserves it, God. She’s a cunty bitch, and someday everyone will realize it, too. Too bad you’ll never get to meet her, because when my wish comes true, and she falls out of a building window and gets hit by a bus with spikes on the grill before she hits the ground, she’s going straight to hell.
10:30 PM– Shower time. Shit, I’m late.
11:00 PM — Sob as I pass by a delicious Wendy’s that I can’t get my breakfast at, because I’m late for work.
11:05 PM — Arrive at work.
12:00 AM — Stomach begins the odd cramping that makes me with I would either pass out or vomit or something, and I try to whimper as quietly as I can. This has been going on for weeks, for no known reason, and it lasts for about 4 hours. As soon as I get out of work, it is gone, which makes it ridiculous for me to go to the doctor. Last night, I was about 10 minutes from going to the Emergency Room. Now, I’m cured. Go figure.
3:00 AM — Develop unhealthy crush on the star of the show I’m watching. Whether it be Zach Fehst from Discovery’s “Ultimate Guide to the Awesome” or as I like to call it, “Ultimate Guide to My Heart.” Watch it, folks. He’s a dreamboat. OR, whether it be Wayne Shadd from Discovery’s “American Casino.” He is a public relations sex machine.
5:00 AM — Consider calling up all the douchebags who decide to call me at 5 PM and tell them all the asinine things they say to me “What? You don’t want to hang out? Come ON! You’re in bed?! What are you, LAZY?”
6:00 AM — Usually finish with work. Wonder how I’m going to make it look like I’m still working for another hour. End up feeling guilty, and asking for a new assignment. But then my OCD flares up, I get antsy without a sense of completion, and end up staying 15 minutes after I’m supposed to have left, to get a whole segment of the show finished.
7:30 AM — Freedom! Now time for traffic!
8:30 AM — Arrive at camp. Get coffee, make copies, take pictures of the kids.
9:00 AM — Flirt with the helpers. They’re legal this year, kids!
10:00 AM — Make fun of pictures of the kids. Post them on the wall with accompanying captions. Children and teachers shower me with laughter and adoration. This is why I do this to myself.
11:00 AM — Set up for lunch. Make a tossed salad. Brew fresh iced tea. Arrange the lemons in a neat design.
12:00 PM — Teachers rush up for lunch. No one notices the lemons. They complain about the salad (I said NO baby corn!!). I don’t care. Lunch is delicious.
1:00 PM — Try to explain that I can’t go to Kinkos, because I need to go to bed.
1:30 PM — Arrive back at school from Kinkos.
2:00 PM — Get home. Turn on air conditioner. Wrap my head in a pillow. Fall asleep.
3, 4, 5:00 PM — Phone wakes me up. I need it on, because the power in my house goes out aproximately 3 times a day, so I rely on my phone’s alarm.
7:00 PM — Air conditioner shuts off.
7:15 PM — Air conditioner switches on. It is louder than the lawn movers that crashed into the side of my room 4 hours prior. I walk across the room likea zombie to shut it off.
10:00 PM — Start over!
Mind you, if I ever have to do comedy on any day, I have to skip camp, and sleep from 7-3, then arrive at the venue looking sleepy and having everyone ask me, What, you just woke up?! What are you, LAZY?
The perk?
I’ve been having the coolest/weirdest dreams EVER.
Ready?
Dreams involving me having sex with Jim Norton — 2
Dreams involving me being best friends with Ralphie May — 1
Dreams involving Dan Naturman inviting me and Felicia to Kentucky for Thanksgiving — 1
Dreams wherein my mom has an affair with Bill Miller from my high school — 1
Dreams wherein I slit someone’s throat — 1
Dreams where I shoot someone in the head for breaking into my house — 1
Dreams wherein I’m so good at slitting people’s throats, I am asked to save the Underworld, the portal to which, is conveniently located in Felicia’s room — 1
And there you have it.
I’m off to dreamland again.
Wish me luck.

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