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Dear Comedy Central,
I am writing to apologize to you that I never watch you anymore. But you can hardly blame me. It began with the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour,” and when you got around to playing “Mind of Mencia,” I just couldn’t forgive you.
We go back, CC. Can I call you CC? I used to watch you when the North Hills was the only town that had you as part of its cable, before South Park signed your meal ticket, back when all you showed were three things:
1) Entire sets of comedy performances. And I’m not talking like “Comedy Central Presents.” I’m talking like “Camcorder in the Back of Laffs Aplenty in Toledo.”
2) Entire, unedited episodes of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” which was often over 2 hours long.
3) Entire episodes of “SNL” FROM THE ’70S. I SAT THROUGH JOE PISCOPO FOR YOU!
I guess we’ve grown apart. I may come around for a little helping of Jon Stewart, a second bite of South Park, and I might even wipe a nostalgic tear during Reno 911. I’ll miss you.
–Lauren
P.S. If you bring back Dr. Katz, I’ll accept that as your formal apology.
Dear Court TV,
Look. I don’t know what the deal is, but unless there’s a glitch in my DVR, there aren’t any “Forensic Files” coming up in the next week. And there weren’t any last week. I even distrusted my search function, and when I browsed through your programming, what did I find? A virtual 24/7 marathon of “Psychic Detectives.” I misuse “marathon” here, because it implies some holiday or explosion of a show in high demand. No, that’s your programming. “Psychic Detectives” is even worse and less funny than “Psych,” which I wasn’t sure was possible. But you’re real people working with real crimes, which Forensic Files has taught me is totally awesome. And now that Forensic Files is apparently no longer being played, I don’t even know what’s awesome anymore. What am I supposed to watch? CSI? Written by a writer? Sorry, Jack. Writers can make anyone as crazy as they want. Your characters ARE crazy.
And since the Forensic Files website seems to think you’re actually on the air, it seems that I may be crazy. This clearly can only be remedied by stabbing my DVR multiple times with an ice pick, and then dressing it in a nightgown to hide my shame.
–Lauren*
*if that is my real name
Dear USA,
You keep doing what you doing. I…I think I love you.
“Monk,” “4400,” “Dead Zone”? Come on.
“Psych” isn’t even so bad. I was just trying to hurt Court TV. I didn’t mean it.
You even play reruns of “House,” whose parent company is Fox, unlike yours, which is NBC, you dirty, dirty little network. Call me.
–Lauren

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