It’s a tale as old as time.
Frigid winters vs. sunbathing in December.
Biggie vs. Tupac.
People who don’t know how to drive and do it slowly vs. People who don’t know how to drive and to it going 120 mph in Hummers while merging across five lanes of traffic.
Mom, Dad, Brother, old life vs. Justin, Scamp, Melissa, new life.
Beauty vs. Beast.
Well, that was just for the “tale as old as time” part.
It’s going to be sad to leave home again tomorrow. I went to a party at the neighbors’, and I actually talked to people. Don’t worry, it was against my will. When I came home, though, my parents praised me like I was learning to ride a bike or something. I had to do something to disguise myself from appearing like the girl inhaling the entire bowl of Artichoke Dip, and if it meant talking to the parents of the vicious public school bitches who made my life hell then got anorexia and made me laugh really hard, then so be it.
But I talked to the lovely host of the party (whose children have always been nothing but nice to me) and she asked when I was coming home again, and it was a little too depressing that the first thought in my head was “next Thanksgiving.”
I don’t want “Cats in the Cradle” to start playing here, but taking off work and chillin’ with the fam isn’t as easy as it was to take off school. There’s no Johnny Tompkins to bring my math homework over when I miss a few days.
In the real world, it’s like, no work-y, no eat-y.
I also for…went? forgoed? what the fuck is the past tense of “forgo”?
“Forwent.” I was right.
I also forwent scheduling my New Years’ plans for Pittsburgh, thinking that Melissa knew some hip scene in LA to ring in the new year, but she’s going to be in that capital of hipsters, Louisville, Kentucky.
I don’t mind having a quiet New Year’s celebration, though, mainly because there are few people who I will let see me drink champagne.
I did almost all the things I wanted to while I was here.
I actually went onstage, for the first time in months, and actually told some new jokes. And it actually went really well, and I actually totally miss it.
Although, I did have to admit to my Pittsburgh comedian friends that I haven’t gone onstage in the mecca of comedy that is LA, which was gut-wrenching, but I’m such a horrible liar, I knew I had to be up-front with them.
Even though telling comedians you haven’t performed in four months is akin to dropping by an AA meeting after four months and casually mentioning that you’ve been boozing it up every night and twice on Sunday. They sort of give you this look of, “Oh…well…that’s, um, that’s good for you, I guess.”
I also visited my old/current workplace to see all my coworkers, and it was a wee bit awkward, but only because I make everything awkward. Also I hug people a lot, and I still don’t know what’s appropriate in the workplace. Especially in that workplace, where you’re looked at as a social deviant if you ask someone to sit with you at lunch.
Coming from Eat N Park, where you have to make a concentrated effort to keep the cooks from sitting on your lap during lunch, this was quite a difference, although not entirely unwelcome.
And tomorrow, I’m having lunch with Kameron, which is always laugh central, before heading off on my flight late in the afternoon.
OOH, and my brother and I beat Super Mario 2 AND 3 and made it halfway through 1 until we realized how crappy the original jumping programming was, and cursed our 8- and 6-year-old selves respectively for having so much more manual dexterity.
So, all in all, the trip was pretty much all you could hope to do to relax.

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