This could lead to excellence
Or serious injury
Only one way to know:
Go go go

So I was sore all day today, because of those crazy elliptical machines at the workout place where my brother took me.
I was also sore because of the hard-core full contact raquetball I played with him, and my knees are currently the color of a African-American Smurf.
God, I’m funny.
Anyway, since I’m a masochist, this lovely muscle pain reminded me of the days when I was actually in shape and working out regularly, and I needed more!
So I started doing my Windsor Pilates again. Man, I hate that perky bitch.
It’s funny how many times I flipped off Mari Windsor on my television set all alone doing workout in my room.
So, after I collapsed on my floor after a treacherous ab-workout, I decided to reward myself by kicking it old-skool stylee and playing some Mario 64.
It’s funny how many times I flipped off Mario on my television set all alone playing video games in my room.
Oh, Mario. Why you gotsta be all falling off ledges and shit?
I am happy to inform you all that I got the Metal Cap, Invincible Cap, and the Flying Cap in the matter of half an hour.
I wish my brother were home, though, instead of having relations with his girlfriend. It’s always more fun to watch him play. It brings back such memories. The Christmas Nintendo 64 came out, I guess it was… 1996, holy shit. I was only 16.
Anyway, (note: I just spent fifteen minutes sitting back and thinking about 1996 before I remembered I was in the middle of typing this) that whole winter, my brother and I ate toss ‘n’ sauce (tostidos and salsa) for HOURS on end, just playing Mario 64. That was the same year Tickle Me Elmo came out. Shit, that was right around the time I started liking Bill Pesce.
If man discovers time travel after my death, please pass this note on.
Dear 16 year old Lauren,
Hey there. Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Am I going to be this ugly forever?
I am here to tell you this: No!
Right around when you turn 21 or so, you suddenly get really hot!
I know, who would have thought?
Don’t listen to your fucking optometrist, get those glasses NOW, and cut your fucking hair, you look like an escaped lion.
Okay, a few things. Avoid that Bill Pesce character like the plague. I know, he’s attractive, but he has what we in the 21st century call a ‘mullet’ and they are NOT COOL. Sure, he’s smooth, and yes, he’ll be your first kiss, but the surrounding circumstances are so ridiculous and ultimately painful, that you’d do well to just stop talking to him AND his friend Min right now.
Don’t ask me questions, bitch, just listen.
Have some fun in college, okay? When Jean invites you to the bars on Tuesday nights, fucking GO with her. Cheat on Sean. Trust me, it won’t make a difference. Date a frat boy or something. Or get in on one of those threesomes everyone’s talking about these days.
Also, you may think majoring in English and Theater is a complete waste of time, but I just got a time-traveled letter from my 30 year old self, and she says it’s all good, and it works out in the end. She won’t tell me how, because she’s a stupid bitch, but I trust her.
Okay, I have to go watch Nick at Nite. You wouldn’t believe the stuff they show on there these days. Turn on ABC right now. They’re playing that. Fuckers.
Oh wait, listen. BEWARE THE IRISHMAN IN THE BLACK JETTA.
Hah, I’m just fucking with you, there’s no irishman in a black Jetta.
OR IS THERE?!?!?!?!
Ha ha, sucker.
Your favorite person,
You

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