Things I am So Over

Everyone asked me if I made any New Year’s Resolutions, and since I’m an egotistical jerk, I told them that there wasn’t anything about me to improve.
Then I helpfully suggested what resolutions they ought to make, and I pushed them in a mud puddle.
But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I have a lot of resolutions I think the world ought to make.
Here are the top 5 or so things this world can do without.
-The phrase “So (anything)” spoken by anyone over 13 years old and not a girl.
We’re not on the “Gilmore Girls,” people.
There really aren’t hip moms out there who talk like that.
In fact, no one talks like that. They have to supply the cast oxygen tanks between takes to keep them from passing out because they don’t breathe between lines.
-The phrase “I know. Right?”
I cannot emphasize how much I hate this trend.
If you haven’t heard it used, it doesn’t get much more annoying than this.
“Hey, it’s really great that we got off work 10 minutes early.”
“I know. Right?”
You can’t ask me if you’re right, you just agreed with me.
Yes, right. That’s why I said it.
-People on television shows who pretend they don’t know what children are.
Is anyone else sick of writers hacking away at this concept?
Yes, the girl is stuck-up and detached from reality, but I’m not going to suspend my disbelief into thinking she doesn’t understand the fundamentals of children.
I’ve never seen “Sex and the City,” but I know there’s some hoity toity career aggressive woman or something, and I’ll bet you she has some wacky mishap where she has to watch a child, and she knocks the soccer moms off their couches with hilarious quips like, “Am I supposed to feed this…thing?” or “What’s your favorite flavor martini, Jenny?”
Oh, man! The jokes write themselves! Which is why they’re not funny at all!
-Something being the new something else.
This trend was funny the first time I heard it, and got old the second after I heard it, when 30 more people made the same joke.
Pink is the new Black! Gay is the new Straight! Bloody faces from Lauren’s fist is the new “is the new” joke result!
-The phrase “talk about.”
This is an oldie and obscurie, but it still bugs me.
Things with blurred etymology always bug me.
“So, I went to this car dealership, and talk about low prices!”
Is that a request? Well, low prices are good, and you need better conversation topics. It’s not all up to me, pal! Conversations are a two-way street!
I’m sure plenty else needs to be changed, but let’s start with these few, and if we all work together to punch the people who parrot these trendy phrases, then we will have a lot of punched people, and I call that progress.

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