These are my kind of scum

Update – I need someone to host my standup. It’s too big for my webspace.
I’m back, citizens of the internet. Did you miss me?
I know you did.
I did, too.
Because when I am forced to leave my house with my family, I am transformed into Super Surly Asshole Girl and that was how I spent my Thanksgiving.
Who can blame me? Wanna hear some bitching? Well, you’ve come to the right place.
3:00 AM – I didn’t get any sleep because the plane was so fucking early the night after the Improv contest, I’d have had to wake up at 3. Since I don’t usually go to bed until about 4:30, sleep is sort of pointless. So I got 3 hours of sleep on the plane next to a baby whose parents were clearly lighting matches and dropping them in his diaper for all the screaming this kid was doing.
Luckily, I was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic tap dance that the ten year old behind me was performing on the back of my FUCKING SEAT.
11:00 AM – I finally arrived at my grandparents’ house and immediately plugged in my PS2 and played some FF X-2. Who writes the dialogue for this shit? I swear, if I were in charge of everything, there would be some changes around here…
5:00 PM – I arrived at my brother’s frat house with my mom. Ryan offered me a seat on his frat boy couch, and I politely declined, as I knew the sorts of things that went on on frat boy couches.
Looking up at his frat boy lofted bed, I asked “Gosh, how can you even have sex up there? It’s too close to the ceiling!” He didn’t think it was as funny as I did. Neither did Mom.
7:00 PM – Fight with mom in the car about whether or not my brother is getting married. I take sides with my brother that it’s “Nunya damn bisnass, if it happens, it’ll happen”.
I only say this because on a daily basis for about three years I had to endure my loving mother asking polietly “You’re not going to marry that Sean, are you?” and I don’t think Ryan should have to go through the same thing.
7:10 PM – Acted nice enough to Mom so that she’d give us money to see Timeline.
9:00 PM – Save your money. Read the book. Fucking Hollywood.
11:00 PM – I am suddenly struck with the realization that Brett Pintado’s joke about fucking a snowman doesn’t make sense, as it refers to the wrong Christmas Carol.
11:01 PM – I decide to call him and inform him of this.
11:02 PM – I forget there is such a thing as “time zones” and I have probably disturbed his sleep with an asinine voice message.
11:03 PM – I worry about calling, because who the fuck am I to tell someone their joke refers to the wrong Christmas Carol? Maybe it was supposed to and I just don’t get it.
Like the time I questioned Vic Wallace’s joke about the perfect woman having a vagina-less crotch, because I didn’t understand why that would be perfect. Then he told me that it was funny because that’s not the perfect woman.
And I still don’t get the joke.
And now I look like an idiot to everyone.
This comedy stuff is too damn serious.
9:00 AM – Wake up. Who the fuck wakes up at 9 AM on a vacation, PS?
Someone who wants to play some FF X-2 before all my cousins got there, that’s who!
12:00 PM – Surprise visit from Jordan’s step-brother who is not technically related to me, and whom I had a crush on when I was twelve, and had informed him of this when I was twelve.
I hadn’t seen him in a good 10 years.
2:00 PM – The rest of the family arrives! Jordan and my mother inform everyone of my Improv victory.
I am met with quizzical looks and comments like “I didn’t know you were funny” and “You can TALK?!?!”
2:02 PM – Everyone, as if in chorus, points and says “Go on! Be funny! Say something funny, funny girl!”
I tell them the joke I wrote for just such an annoying occasion.
They chuckle.
Jordan screeches “Hey, that’s part of your act!”
I beat Jordan into submission.
2:30 PM – Awkward before dinner conversation with grandmother as to why I do not have a boyfriend/husband/grandchild for her.
3:00 PM – Dinna time. I get to sit at the kids table, which isn’t so bad, because at least I get to talk to Ryan and Jordan, but we’re in a separate fucking room like refugees, AND it’s freezing in there. Also, if we want butter, salt, or cranberry bread, we have to walk across the house to their dining room. But I can’t complain.
Ha ha ha, just kidding, of course I can.
5:00 PM – Jordan and I fall asleep as Ryan gets further than me on FF X-2.
6:00 PM – We all go to see Elf. As often happens, throughout most of the movie I was the only person laughing, and I was doing so hysterically and loudly. You really can’t take me anywhere.
9:00 PM – Fight with mother on the way home about something she yelled across the whole theater to tell me and Ryan. I inform her that if she has something to say, maybe she should walk the block and a half to the normal seats from the back row, where she insists on sitting when we go to movies. She informs me that I am a humiliation to the family.
11:00 PM – While I’m falling asleep across the room from her, I finally muster up enough courage to apologize for being rude, but at the same exact second that I start to talk, she shreiks, because I’ve scared her, because normal people do not start conversations after lying in bed in silence for an hour and a half.
The ridiculousness of how scared I was to apologize, and then how I just ended up scaring her to death strikes me as hysterically funny, and I spend the next fifteen minutes shaking in my bed with laughter.
3:00 AM – Still can’t sleep. You can lead an insomniac to a pillow…
4:00 AM – Alarm goes off. Time to go home. I realize that I did in fact sleep for one hour, but it was just a horrible dream that I opened for Bill Scott and Joe Lowers and I bombed and the audience hated them because of me and it was all my fault.
4:00 PM – I’m home, I’m tired, and I’m blogging. I know if I take a nap, I’ll never go to sleep tonight, so I’m just sort of chilling.
And that was my Thanksgiving Day Adventure.
You know, if you could all like, band together and buy me an apartment, that would be greeeaaat.

Comments are closed.