The Real Slim Shady

I have a strange technological problem. A mystery, really.

About, oh, 6 months ago, I started getting personal mail to my gmail account. To a Lauren who is not me. A few things became obvious fairly early on. This girl is in a “school” of some kind. She has many friends. None of them are very bright. And neither is she, for apparently giving them my address instead of her own.

I wish I had copies of them, but unfortunately I submitted them all to spam because they would not stop forwarding me chain letters asking how much I loved Jesus. The first of these was just such an email, to which I replied to the sender, “Hi. Who are you?” She responded “Only your biggest, bestest friend Jennifer [lastname]! I guess you don’t recognize my school address, lol.” I responded, “Sorry, I don’t know a Jennifer [lastname]. You must have the wrong email.” To which she replied, “HAHA, Lauren, such a kidder! See you in class!”

Now I’m getting annoyed, as apparently according to everyone I’ve ever MET, I am severely wont to do. Ahem. I now reply, “I am serious. I am an adult who lives in California. I haven’t been to high school in over 10 years. Please tell your friend Lauren she is giving out the wrong address.” And then, drawing upon years and years of undercover detective lessons taught on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel from 4:00 PM until bedtime, Jennifer LastName responds, “Oh, YEAH? Well, if you’re not my friend Lauren, how did you KNOW I was looking for someone named LAUREN, HUH?! And how else would you be accessing her email, lol!” After facepalming, I decided to let it go and spam it. Until the next day. And the next. And the next. Chain letters upon chain letters, angels, kittens, jokes about Bush. I couldn’t spam them ALL, because they were all different people. And I can’t figure out anything about any of them (and obviously, her) because NONE of their emails were searchable on google. No facebooks, no myspaces, nothing. I didn’t even know this doppleganger Lauren’s last name. Did they all literally JUST discover the internet?

And not only friend emails, verification emails to websites. “Lauren! You have just tried to join Team Disney! Click here to activate!” “Lauren! You want to join the Penguin Parade! Click here, so we know it’s you!” It’s not her! It’s me! Wh- Is she not noticing that none of these emails go to her? Does she just give UP and do something else? Clearly NOT, because *I* keep getting them.

I’ve “Who are you?”d a couple of her friends now, but there’s not much use. It’s the same dialogue. I’ve gotten her last name, and one of the girls mentioned what school *she* goes to, but it’s not necessarily Mystery Lauren’s school. It got to the point in the last “Who are you?” string of emails where I really thought I was gaining ground, being really polite with the “Gee, I’d hate to have your friend Lauren be missing all these important emails! You may want to mention to her that she’s giving out the wrong address! To apparently everyone on the planet!” And the girl was responding with a hopeful, “Well if u don’t know how I can find her real email, I guess I’ll ask next time I talk to her.” I thought I had won. Then she asked me to chat on MSN. I told her I was at work. Working. She responds with, “Can we chat whenever u get this message since u r hopefully my friend.”

I. I don’t even know. Is she accusing me of being her friend Lauren all along? Does…does she think *we’re* friends now? It boggles the mind. I guess nothing can be done with this gaggle of schoolchildren begging me to end the ruse and admit I’m their friend. Hopefully, this doesn’t end Highlander-style with my teenybopping doppelganger attacking me with a sword before declaring herself the One True Lauren and then taking in a Jonas Brothers concert.

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