Can I be totally manic for a second?
First off, this world is going down the shitter.
I swear to God. I never used to read the newspaper, and now I do everyday at lunch, and I wish I didn’t.
Scary, scary shit, people.
First off…the Iraqi prisoners…god, if only I could kill members of the media with my mind.
If I could kill ANYONE with my mind, this world would be a better place.
As my dear, dear friend Matt Bower put it.
“We blew some Iraqi’s up?? YAAY!!
What? We HUMILIATED SOME? WHAAAAAAT???”
Then the pope just named a patron saint for women who refuse an abortion even though it endangers their life…Is suicide still illegal in Catholisism, or is everyone just a FUCKING HYPOCRITE?
Okay, and the fucking surviving families of those killed in 9/11 jumping down Giuliani’s throat? Will someone PLEASE fly a 747 through their fucking garage?
FUCKING SHIT, people, of COURSE they didn’t know how to react when someone fucking flew into a building.
It’s not like there’s a special toll-free number that tells mayors what do do in case of a FUCKING PLANE FLYING INTO THE SIDE OF A BUILDING.
He had to act on his feet, and a fine fucking job he did, in my opinion.
Christ, do you remember how America fucking came together on 9/11?
Does anyone remember?
One day, ONE DAY, Republicans, Democrats, antidisestablishmentarianists, Anarchists, Atheists, Midgets, EVERYONE came together and mourned a loss as a nation.
It was a horrible thing, but we all wept together.
2 years and a couple months later, and we’re all fucking trying to blame everyone. Anyone.
Hey, lady, why not fucking blame the architect for not building the Trade Center out of RUBBER? Why not blame NASA for not building you a home on the moon.
Why not blame the POPE for not letting you ABORT your unwanted pregnancy, so you wouldn’t even HAVE a son to yell at Giuliani ABOUT?
Did I go too far with that last one?
I thought I might have.
Everyone’s fucking yelling and blaming everyone else.
Does this remind anyone of anything?
Maybe EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER?!?!
When the zombies kill most everyone, but then the little group of people left alive starts KILLING EACH OTHER?
ZOMBIES ARE KILLING YOU, AND YOU’RE HELPING THEM!
And everybody knows, if you try to blame everyone else, then the zombies have won.
George Romero, you’re a wise, wise man.
In an unrelated (unless you’re a psycho) story, USAIRways is moving their hub from Pittsburgh.
I do not know what this means.
Unless I’m an idiot, and I’m not, my dad’s either out of a job, or my family’s gonna move to another state.
It being 7 in the morning, I won’t know either for quite some time.
They’re moving, because they’re bankrupt.
They’re bankrupt because they gave the ex-CEO a fucking $500 SKILLION SEVERANCE PACKAGE, BECAUSE HE JUMPED SHIP, BECAUSE IF THE COMPANY LOST ANY MORE MONEY, HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO SETTLE FOR ONLY $400 SKILLION, AND WHAT IS HE, A DEMOCRAT???
It’s a REALLY good thing I can’t kill people with my mind.
In other news, I saw Ralphie May from Last Comic Standing, and he was the fucking funniest thing since sliced bread, which I happen to find hilarious.
AND he bought the whole theater chocolate-covered pretzels.
COOLEST COMEDIAN EVER.
When I’m big and famous, everyone gets Big Macs.
And that was the Manic-Depressive News.
Tune in next time when Lauren discusses how she feels about not eating cake, then how much fun it is to pet kitties.