Repent, Sinners

Well, the apokalypse is clearly upon us.
Felicia and I began fearing for our lives and afterlives the second we saw the latest Fox Reality Show.
No, not Littlest Groom, a show with real people.
The Swan.
The show “The Swan” is the first sign of the Apokalypse.
The premise is right out of a mid-’50s sci-fi/horror movie.
Take an ugly girl (or as the show calls it, “average.” Fuck average. I’m average. These girls are moo cows.), steal her away from her family and job, pump a whole lot of chemicals out of her body, and re-pump it into other places, and make her lose a whole lot of weight, and stick to a regimented workout plan.
Oh, and throw in some Therapy, too. Because anyone who would go on the show in the first place, needs it very badly.
We’re watching this show going, “I feel so horrible about not wanting to change the channel.”
I mean, it is sort of interesting, in a mangled-body, car-crash kind of way.
Well, we were quite the lookie-loos, and this show was relentless.
See, after they fix these girls up — two a week — they pit one against the other, in, I don’t know, a who-turned-out-better contest?
Oddly enough, they have no therapy for this segment of the show.
Then, when they finally round all the ex-cows up in a Hottie Coral, they pit them ALL against each other and the winner is Crowned Queen of the Formerly Uglies, and all the rest walk away, losers.
Now, my problem is, you go on Jeopardy!, you lose, no big deal.
You win. Money. Money’s cool.
Even Survivor. Sure, money and a hankering for a rat sandwich. Nothing major.
The cameras aren’t there for when the callogen needs refilling or the boob jobs cause rheumatoid arthritis or when the people want to go back to looking the same way they’d looked for 25 FUCKING YEARS.
Crap, why do I know that when the aliens finally visit us, before the media coverage and government peace accords, there’s gonna be some Fox Reality Show about Anal Probes and The People Who Love Them?
Or they’re gonna hook up Alf and E.T. and Mork and put them on a farm with Paris Hilton and see if she’ll fuck them. And call it “I’m an Alien, Get Me Out Of Here!”
It’s Luda-cris, I tell you.
PS – On a completely different note, I’m captioning a show called “Made” on MTV. It’s starring a girl named Kitty who wants to be a Beauty Queen, but she’s too much of a nerd.
If anyone wants to see what Baby Lauren was like up until 1998, do watch the show. The resemblance is frighteningly uncanny.
Watch it and cry.
It’s okay, Kitty. You’ll get hot someday. You’ll see.

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