Reasons I Could Never Be on TV’s “Lost”

–I get woozy around 2:00 if I haven’t eaten a ham sandwich and cheetos.
12:00 if I didn’t have Cocoa Krispies in the morning.
–Boring backstory. I haven’t even watched my childhood lover get shot while kissing his lucky alcoholic pregnant sister.
–No kitties on the island to pet. Subsequent rage leads to shooting spree.
–Already dead from heart attack during crash.
–Crush on everyone on island. Yes, even Sawyer. Yes, even Hurley.
Yes, even Insane French Lady.
–Wifi accessible?
–Don’t much care for water.
–No fresh Dr. Pepper springs.
–Just my luck. PS2 and all my games make it. Memory card lost at sea.
–Contribute nothing to makeshift society. I know all the words in the original cast AND movie remake of Evita. Guys? The world needs music!
–Nagging hypochondria leads Jack to stab me with a palm frond. You’re part of the problem now, Doc!
–No Tivo. Pro: No commercials anyway on desert island. Con: No way to replay Sawyer chopping bamboo with his shirt off in slow-mo.
And to wrap it all up, I give to you my rendition of what’s on the island.
ROBOTIC ROLLER-DINOS CHASING POLAR BEARS! LOOK OUT!

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