All right. I’ve been around the internet a few times, and I also watch a lot of television. There are a few things I’ve been seeing waaaay too much as zingers or argument winners, and they really have to stop. If you say these things, you should get someone to slap your mouth.
- I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
I’m going to start throwing up in people’s mouths whenever they say this. It was already hack when “Dodgeball” came out, but that somehow introduced it to a whole new crop of morons. I can’t remember a time when this was ever funny, and I really don’t understand why it is still used as punchlines in movies and television.
- Stupid people shouldn’t breed.
Any catchphrase that would look at home on a t-shirt from Hot Topic is NOT a catchphrase that you should be eager to use. This is a common phrase seen in comments for news stories, like the awesome one about the vegans who killed their baby by feeding it alfalfa sprouts or whatever. It is just overused and stupid. When people comment, I assume the goal is to add something to the discussion or at least say something so funny that it says something in its own right.
- AOL speak, leet speak, thug speak, spelling things wrong intentionally, !!!!111one
These things are sad when used as jokes and even sadder when the person actually thinks it’s all right to talk that way. There are a few exceptions, for instance, text messaging, where it may actually save a significant amount of time to abbrev things (see what I did there?), but when people post blog-length manifestos using words like “l8r,” “dat,” or “teh sex,” they’re just doing that to piss people off.
- X makes Baby Jesus cry; Every time X, God kills a kitten
I don’t know if rumors of a sobbing Jesus or a horrible kitten holocaust brought these lame phrases about, but I am just about as tired of them as I am references to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and ANY mention of his noodly appendage. Let’s make up new religious catch phrases, okay?
- More cowbell.
Seriously. Just shut up.
Things, however that will never stop being funny:
- ALL CAPS!
In this text-based media, I type like I talk. Sometimes, for a joke to work, it’s necessary that you sometimes have difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF YOUR VOICE. This also goes for putting extraneous periods within sentences. Case in point: “A spider just walked on my leg.” vs. “A spider. Just walked. On my leg.” Which one conveys more terror? The answer is clear.
- Quoting lesser-used memes or TV/Movie quotes
This has to be done with caution, but a well-placed ORLY or Arrested Development reference is always met with hearty inter-applause.
- Using inter- as a prefix to any word
Because I said so.