Oh, isn’t it strange how we move our lives for another day?

I’m going to be a horrible parent. I also want to teach English in a foreign country for a couple years, and I already know that I’ll be horrible at that, too.
I had to yell at someone at camp today. I didn’t want to. I even tried to cool down before I tracked him down because I wanted to make sure my anger was valid. I think it was, but I still feel awful. And I just remembered that it’s his birthday today. Wonderful.
He shredded a handwritten document that was semi-important, but it could be replicated. I was really busy with a deadline, and I had asked him not to do it and he snickered and did it anyway. Probably not a big deal, but the guy is 19 and is supposed to be a Helper, not a Giver Of Extra Work.
You know how when you were little and you got lost in a store and when your mom finally found you, she yelled at you? It’s sort of like that. Well, not really. Your mother scolds you because she was afraid, or in this case, hurt that you would be so irresponsible when she just told you to stay with her.
I was upset that in the midst of all the stress that everyone’s going through, one more thing is added to the workload. Whatever. I guess the problem doesn’t matter. My big problem is that when I get hurt, I go for the jugular. It gets me in a lot of long arguments with my friends and family, but when I get hurt, my knee-jerk reaction is to hurt that person so much, they have no choice but to apologize to me now that they see what hurt feels like.
Yeah, real life doesn’t so much work that way. But if life were a sitcom, like it is in my head, my insults totally would have gotten one of those “Oooooh!”s from the studio audience.
So I flipped on this poor guy and now I’m regretting it, but another part of me is wondering what I could have done differently. I could have ignored it, passively let him know that his actions are okay, and not been called a bitch behind my back as I’m fairly sure I have been. I could have calmly told him that I disagreed with his actions, which I usually do and which obviously doesn’t take, but still, I would have hopefully avoided being thought of as a bitch.
I’ve been yelled at by teachers before. I’ve been yelled at by my parents for taking a joke too far and not knowing when to quit, and I remember the embarrassment and shame I felt, which I always assumed is why I stopped doing those things. I also knew that I had done something wrong. When I confronted this guy, he made me feel like I was overreacting and being ridiculous. You know — how most guys make girls feel…
I don’t know. This is why I’d hate to be a boss at work. Everyone would hate me, even if I had to do a little mandatory scolding. No one ever admits that their way is wrong. Or, in the case of jobs, they pretend to admit that their way was wrong, then badmouth the boss behind their back.
I know one of his friends will probably find this, but I just had to get my side off my chest. Maybe this way I can passive-aggressively let him know how sorry I am for what happened, but that I don’t know what else I could have done.
I’ve been reading a lot of Calvin and Hobbes while at my parents’ house, and there are a few strips where Calvin does something monsterey and his mother warns him that he’s going to have a kid just like he is. Then he retorts that his grandmother mentioned saying the same thing to her when she was a monsterey kid.
I don’t look forward to going in tomorrow and feeling awkward and ashamed that I stood up for my own hurt, even if the offense didn’t seem like a big deal, and even if I am likely being thought of as the Hugest Bitch in all of Bitchdom. I shouldn’t have said some things I said, and I guess my shame will be my penance for that. I guess, unlike television, in real life, both sides can be wrong and feel bad. But like television, I’m less wrong, really hot, and I get lots of laughter and applause breaks. In my head.

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