Happy Valentine’s Day!
I said it!
I’m sorry, I forgot that it’s not “cool” to enjoy holidays anymore, thanks to Corporate America. Well, I’ve got news for you, Whiny America, hating stuff everyone else likes is so 1998!
Also, it’s MY shtick, and I’ve had it ever since puberty, and you can PayPal me the royalties, because I copyrighted that shit, slightly before I deemed Copyrighting uncool!
Let’s take a look at some holidays everyone hates, in no order but the order they spring into mind.
Everyone hates birthdays from 22 up, basically because they think they have nothing to look forward to in life.
This is largely because it’s true.
But why sit around with a gloom face when you can live it *UP* and make everyone your slave?! You can make less-than-minimum wage waiters clap to you and sing a tune before giving you free ice cream!
All your friends want to take you out to dinner! Your drunken idiot friends point to you and cause a ruckus during comedy shows while the hot comedian on stage daydreams vividly your painful death!
So live Birthdays up. And come next July, let’s not be too shabby with the wishlist button, eh?
Well, if you haven’t been whittled away by the myriad faiths and political incorrectness and super trendy O.C.-spawned “yet for some reason every shmuck thinks they’re hilarious and the first person ever to combine the words “Christmas,” “Hanukkah,” “Kwanzaa,” and the ever-hilarious “Insert Holiday Here!” Which Family Circus did you rip THAT zinger off, Office Comedian?” — did I begin a sentence back there?
Ah, yes. So if you get past all that stuff, and you’re also not callous and bitter because Santy never got you the red fire engine, then maybe you can take a step back and say, “You know what? Maybe it’s not so bad that this is a consumer-driven holiday. Is it too much for me to wrack my tiny brain to come up with a gift for my brother who I’ve known most of my life and I love and for one year not throw my hands up and buy him the first shitty tie/towel/gun rack I see at Wal*Mart and maybe give him something from the heart?”
You only have to be sucked into consumerism if you’re lazy.
Do you know what I got my parents? Huh?
I smashed up some glass and made them a fucking mosaic of their favorite Harry Potter character, Buckbeak. YEAH, that’s right! Best. Daughter. Ever.
Mother’s Day/Father’s Day
Again. Yes, Hallmark likely made it up to push their cards, but do you idiots who define holidays like that realize what you sound like?
Is thirty cents and a fucking pre-written heartfelt note too much energy for you to exert to the two people who had more opportunities than anyone else to drown you in a bucket?
Is a manufactured holiday so much for you to pick up the phone and give a shoutout, or god forbid, take them out to dinner, that all you can do is stomp around the house, folding your arms and complaining about the Hallmark Holidays and the Jewish people who run Hollywood?
I went too far there.
Rewind. Pause after “Holidays” and think about what you’ve done.
St. Patrick’s Day/New Year’s Eve
Hmm…odd. No one seems to be complaining about these holidays.
No one ever accuses bars of consumerism. No one calls liquor stores Corporate America. Well, sirs, did you know that AOL Time-Warner owns both Hallmark AND Anheuser-Busch, Inc? Did you also know that I just made that up and I love AOL Time-Warner and I am drinking Pepsi right now? So put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, as long as you’re using clean, smooth Philip Morris tobacco. You’ve come a long way, baby…from getting my POINT. Which is why you hippies don’t denounce a holiday devoted to getting you shitfaced and more idiotic than you already are.
Other Holidays
It’s really getting late.
Let’s pretend most people think the other holidays are dumb, and then I swap around and think that it’s actually the people who are dumb.
Valentine’s Day — (point of this whole diatribe)
Yes, yes, it’s so hip now to call it “Single Awareness Day.” It’s so hip to plan internet suicides to show the world what it’s done to you with it’s obsession with rubbing love in your lonely, lonely face. It’s so hip to shout “Why do I have to love someone more today than tomorrow?” and “Real lovers celebrate their love every day!” to no one in particular, because anyone who may have loved you was annoyed by your trendster attitude and high-tailed it, because even though she’s a femynyst womyn, she still wants some chocolates and for you to call her Shmoopy Bear one day out of the damn year.
I like the fact that everyone donates money on Christmas. I like the fact that stores are red in January, just as much as I like them being black and orange in September. I like reading sappy news classifieds and hearing people on the radio renew their vows. What’s so wrong with having one day to be kicked in the head and share your love? And I’m not talking kissy kissy smooch love, for you single people who are wiping your tears off the keyboard to write angry emails to me. I’m talking about the love between HUMANS. And not homosexual love, for you rednecks who are wiping your tears off your guns to shoot angry bullets into me after you daydream about kissing your boyfriend.
I’m talking about the sharing a smile with a co-worker, dropping them a cheesy Star Wars tear-out card, or throwing some Hershey Kisses on a table for humanity (or the fat guy who always eats all the company cake).
Am I out of line?
Too angry sounding? Sam Kinison, you say?
Well, I am here to tell you that I am going to love the SHIT out of the rest of this day and spread my good cheer across the internet or I’ll whip some Anger Bullets at you faster than you can say, “Pepsi: The Choice Of A New Generation.” Or something.

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