Letters to People Unlikely to Respond 1

Dear Girls Who Wouldn’t Stop Looking at Me at Mister Donut Today,
Hello! Um, I’m not sure who you are or who you think I am. Your tans and creepy clown makeup suggest to me that you are not my students, as I’m fairly certain they eat, sleep, and bathe in their school uniforms.
I just wanted to let you know, so as to avoid any humiliation on your part in the future, that I can hear you talking about me. In fact, I can see you pointing and whispering, too. I’m pretty nice, usually, even to scary Japanese clowns. But it’s kind of annoying when you stand up and try to hide behind that pillar and peek your head around the corner to get a better look. Come on. I can see you. You’re right there.
Also, when I stand up to throw away my tray and you run off, I can see that, too. My *cat* tries this tactic, and he also routinely eats his own fur. No, I was not coming towards you. I don’t know what is so funny about me eating a donut. Well, I can’t read Japanese. Maybe I was eating a poison donut, or there was some sign somewhere that said “Only Stupid People Eat This Donut,” but let me assure you: it was delicious.
I’m curious as to what was so interesting about me. It’s not like I’m the only foreigner in this town. In fact, maybe you weren’t being rude at all. Perhaps you had me mistaken for that delightful Scarlett Johansson minus the Hollywood ego and perfect breasts, and you just wanted a closer look. I just can’t be sure. If this is the case, I’m sorry that 2 hours later when we passed on bikes and you pointed and cracked up again, I rolled my eyes and sighed so loudly, you almost drove into the path of a passing motorist. I’m also sorry I kind of wished you had.
I usually don’t mind being the Token Outsider, but there’s only so much a person can take when trying to enjoy a delicious circular dessert.
Thank you for your time,

Comments are closed.