Lauren: Who’s this Midas person in your cellphone?
Melissa: Oh, I slept with him.
Lauren: Do you have a golden vagina?

Well, folks, I’m here.
I’m in L.A.
I flew out for Melissa’s 24th Birthday, and what a lucky girl she is.
I remember my 24th birthday like it was a month and two days ago.
*sigh* I was so young then, and full of hope.
She’s taken me around the city, and already I don’t want to go home.
No offense to Felicia or…well, Felicia’s the only one. Maybe my parents.
When they’re not screaming at me.
Anyway, this place feels so right.
The girls are hot and the boys are gay, and the ones who aren’t make it all worth it when they check you out.
I swear, when guys check me out here, I look around and see all the gorgeous women they could also be looking at, and I just want to run up to them and thank them and hand them a questionairre about their time spent checking me out.
Was I hospitable in returning your smile?
Did you enjoy your stay locked in my glance?
Would you recommend me to a friend?
The plane ride out was even not so bad, even though I had to endure the Stand-By hell that is stopping off in Charlotte, North Carolina, “Motto: Welcome to our airport. We hope you enjoy your layover.”
When I got on the flight to L.A., though, I got to watch Shrek 2, which I had never seen because I hated Shrek 1 so much and it had been built up so much by people mooing about it, by the time I saw it, it was like “Oh, adult jokes in a kids movie. Aren’t we wacky and original?”
But believe me now when I say that Shrek 2 was the best movie ever, and I need to see it 17 more times.
You see, it was “edited for content” and “some people may be offended by the left-in content” said the slate before the movie, which I can only assume means that there was a hard-core Orge Sex scene between Shrek and Fiona that I missed out on, and I just have to rent it to see, because do you know how hard it is to get Ogre Porn on the internet?!
I can tell you right now that it’s difficult, and to those people who got to this page by typing “Ogre Porn” into Google, I apologize for leading you on this cruel ruse.
Well, I’m off to Melissa’s party at some trendy L.A. restaurant, which will likely stare at me when I ask them for a Big Mac with extra secret sauce.
These damn Californians are so judgmental!

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