Is he strong? Listen, bud.

It’s tough being a girl who lives alone in a country ruled by bugs. I’ve had to man up a couple times and defend my homefront from the massive onslaught of 6-to-100-legged terrors.
My friends say that the only reason for bugs is living in squalor, but I try to keep a clean house. Well, okay, it’s cluttered, but with papers and clothes and stuff, not like food. Anyway, *I* think it’s because I live on the first floor, AKA, the earth, where bugs live. Also my floor is made of fricking straw. I wouldn’t blame a spider for thinking he was outside.
I have traps for cockroaches, and I’ve only ever seen 3. The traps are called “Gokiburi hoi hoi,” which is really fun to say. But the fun ends there. I have left them out there since I moved in, afraid to look in or touch it to throw it away.
I mean, think of it: even a moron cockroach can tell when his foot is stuck in something. Would he keep walking in? No! His one foot would just barely be stuck, and he’d just chill out there, waiting for me to pick it up and dispose of it, giving him the tiny jolt he needs to wriggle free and crawl up my arm. Gah, I get shivers just thinking of it.
I also have a spray, which I have used for cockroaches I don’t want to wait on and other large bugs. I’ve seen two centipedes, and they walk really fricking fast. They are really, really gross, and I killed them for their insolence. I also just about made my mom deaf, as I was on the phone with her at the time of one sighting.
Spiders aren’t my biggest fear, but I probably see them the most frequently. The little ones don’t bother me too much — and by “bother me,” I mean I don’t feel squeamish about killing them. I feel a little bad, sure, because spiders are our friends, and they eat mosquitoes, but I don’t have any mosquitoes and spiders bite just as easily, so, death.
But there was this one…He was a little bigger than the diameter of a pill bottle and had thick, black legs. He scurried across my wall, and I ran to grab the spray can under my sink. This spray can usually takes out cockroaches in one shot, but this little guy was tenacious. I kept spraying and spraying, and it had so little effect on him that, at one point, he actually ran towards me. TOWARDS THE SPRAY THAT WAS KILLING HIM. That guy had some spider testicles.
Finally, he fell behind my table, and all was safe. Or so I thought. My nagging brain couldn’t leave a supposedly dead spider out of mind. I guess I’ve seen too many horror films or something, but sure enough, I finally put the batteries in my flashlight, and saw him under the table. He was slowly moving his legs. I need to say again that ONE SPRAY usually kills much-larger cockroaches, and I had sprayed this guy so much, I was actually starting to feel a little light-headed. Oh, that would just be a great how-do-you-do, wouldn’t it, spider? Taking me out with you.
Well, I felt bad for my formidable enemy, and I didn’t want him to have a long, painful death. A death, for sure, but I don’t want to be cruel and unusual. But I couldn’t just squish him with a paper towel, as I wasn’t sure I could stomach feeling it under my fingers. He was a pretty big guy. Also, I didn’t want a spider mess on my damn straw floor.
So I did what every normal person would do, and I laid a paper towel over him, picked up the biggest book I could find (Neal Stephenson’s “Cryptonomicon”), dropped it on him, and then vacuumed him up. It was quite an ordeal.
One of his brethren got me back a few days later, when I was nonchalantly playing DS, and I thought I saw a bug buzzing around. It was fuzzy, but I figured it was because I was focused on saving Princess Zelda. I only learned later, when I felt something on my arm, that it was a spider that had descended from the ceiling on its web, and it was unfocused because it was IN BETWEEN MY GLASSES AND MY FACE, OHMYGOD, EVERYBODY PANIC! Holy crap.
One final spider story. Spiders like to make their webs in the gaijin traps, I mentioned earlier: the 3-foot canals alongside every road in Japan. Of course, falling 3-feet into a spiderweb AND a murky stagnant pool of water only adds insult to injury, but it’s clear to see why the spiders prefer it. Every couple hundred feet or so, there will be a cover over the gaijin trap — for a driveway or something — and apparently, this is where the juiciest bugs hang out. I assume they fly through the far end of the tunnel, happy as a bug, only to end up in the grasp of a hungry spider.
Now, I’m all for the spider in this Discovery Channel showdown, but as they have proven to me time and time again, spiders are dicks. You remember on “Price is Right” how one guy always does the calculations and comes up with a good answer like $3,000, and the douche after him just bids $3,001? I always hated that guy, and I was always really happy when the next douchette bid $3,002, just because she screwed the other guy who thought he was so smart.
Anyway, that’s what the spiders do in these gaijin trap tunnels. One spider does all the scientific tests about windspeed and tunnel travel, and finally spends hours crafting a web right by the entrance. Then some douche spider comes along and decides to build his web RIGHT IN FRONT. And another does it to him! Until there’s this gauntlet of spiderwebs that some bug would have to survive in order to make it to the original spider’s tummy. Douches!
So that’s why I think of “The Price is Right” and John Edward every time I ride my bike.
Anyway, I haven’t seen a lot of bugs of any sort recently, and it always makes me think of this Calvin and Hobbes comic. I like fall, too.

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