I’m Rick James, bitch.

I have a couple questions I was wondering if you could help me out with.
Why did I go over to Brett’s apartment tonight, when I promised myself I was going to take a “night off” for some “me time”?
How did he get me to come over, anyway? I was on the phone, informing him that I wanted to take a day off and rest, and suddenly, I’m at his door in the Hill District. Why?
Why have I never eaten at the delicious South Side Cheese Steakery that Brett took me to?
THEY HAVE DOORS ON THE CEILING!
PEOPLE!
Why did I miss last Thursday’s Apprentice? Also, why are Brett and I able to discuss the characters in intelligent conversation, using their names and occupations?
Why, oh, why, did I let Brett talk me into watching Return of the Living Dead?
Oh, the zombies. The zombies.
Why isn’t Felicia home yet? Doesn’t she know there are fucking ZOMBIES ABOUT?!
And finally, why can’t I find the Paris Hilton Sex Tape?
Yes, all the hubub finally got to me, and I want to see what everyone’s been talking about.
Felicia’s going to have a great chuckle when she types a “p” into Google and “paris hilton sex tape” pops up in auto-remember.
I am an EXPERT at finding things on the internet, how can’t I find this?
And how can I not find the footage of Janet Jackson?!
These are like the most viewed things on the internet!
I can research esoteric underground television channels in France on webpages in FRENCH for fuck’s sake, how can I not find Paris Hilton?!
I’m downloading what is probably a virus named Paris_Hilton_Sex.exe off of some legal software that I purchased and paid for, so my computer should be exploding in 13 minutes, according to the little task bar thingy.