I opened up a yogurt and underneath the lid, it said “Please try again”,
because they were having a contest I was unaware of.
But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong.
Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.
Come on, Mitch, don’t

I never told you guys about what HAPPENED Tuesday.
I absolutely *hate* comics who are hostile towards the audience. At one end of the spectrum of comics who do this are the ones who tell a joke that dies, and they go “Fuck you, that joke was funny.”
I may be the minority in the comedian world, but I don’t like saying that.
If the joke is funny, people will laugh.
Now okay, fine, yes, I said that exact phrase on Sunday at Sam Morgan’s, but THAT JOKE *IS* FUNNY, and it needs to be rewritten. I swear to God it’s funny.
The middle of this inappropriate spectrum is comics who tell a joke that gets a smattering of laughs, and they’re like “Huh, I guess it’s just ME then” in a snotty tone. Even though there *was* laughter.
The other end of the spectrum is people who bash hecklers too hard, or just generally call everyone a sucky audience. Okay, maybe hecklers are meant to be put in their place, but the audience can turn on you, even if you put Drunky Drunkowitz in his place.
I always hated people who get off stage saying like “You guys have really sucked, Goodnight!” or “You guys have been… a crowd…” or something to that manner. I always thought that was sort of unprofessional and made the person look like more of an ass than they are. When your pride is hurt, we get defensive. Fine.
I wasn’t even supposed to go up, I tell you…
If you know me, you know I believe in a lot of freaky cosmic karma shit.
I had forgotten Tuesday was Tuesday, and I was driving down on East Carson Street going, ‘I wonder if I should stop by the Funny Bone this week, even though I won’t be going up… I *am* just seeing the same acts over and over’
And I suddenly remember it WAS Tuesday, check my watch, it’s 7 o’clock, half an hour before the show starts, and I’m about a mile down the road.
I was like “You’ve won this round, universe. I’ll go.”
I get there and Justin puts me up third. Fine. I write out a quick setlist, and get up there.
DURING my opeing joke, a cell phone goes off, and I stop. They don’t answer it.
I fire off a snotty retort that seems spontaneous and off-the-cuff, but that I’d actually written three months prior in a Ground Round.
Laughter happens, and I keep going, and the whole front two rows were just fucking chatting it up. They were having their own little conversations, laughing, receiving calls, and I THINK (FUCK, why didn’t I tape it) I told them once to keep it down, and they promtly ignored me.
There was one Fat Ass in particular who owned the ringing cell phone and was laughing very loudly at the conversation he was having with his friend.
It was RIDICULOUS. Felicia said she couldn’t hear it from the balcony, but from the stage it was just like a fucking noisy ass subway or something, and it TOTALLY threw me off. I started shaking, because I was trying to keep in my anger, but not show it, and keep doing my act.
Finally, I told my end joke, which always gets an applause break, and I usually just say “Thanks, I’m Lauren Cox” and walk off.
This time I sort of changed it to “Thanks, I’m Lauren Cox, and FUCK YOU, sir, I hope you shut the fuck up for the other comics”, gave him the finger, and stomped off.
I hope I didn’t throw off Tom, the MC, who had to go up right after me, but… UGH, I was so pissed off, I didn’t stop shaking for fifteen minutes.
So yeah. I’m a horrible person, that was totally unprofessional, but I wish I’d bashed him harder.
I wish I had Mr Stabby; I’da cut him.
I’m a tiny bit proud of myself, because I NEVER ever have done anything that I hadn’t rehearsed a thousand times. In fact, that cell phone thing hadn’t even been spoken aloud. I’m always too nervous. The night I did AJ’s, a woman got up right in front of me, and walked past me to the exit, which was behind me.
It was right before the headliner went up, and I was like “Hey, awesome! Good thing you’re leaving right before the headlining act!”
And she said “It’s because you suck so bad.”
And I was so caught off guard, I was like… “Ha HA!” A witty retort all of you should write down and study.
Whatever, universe. I’m glad you arranged it so I could get up there and eat it. I really appreciate it.
BUT, I would have never known that my cell phone rip works. AND I would have never been able to write an equally scathing new Totally Improvised and Spontaneous Rip for next time people decide to chat it up while I’m onstage.
AND, I would have never gotten to have Goldshlager bought for me all night by Justin and Brett, who KNOW I’m not going to sleep with them, and they STILL for some reason pay for my drinks and hold long conversations with me.
AND, Brett wouldn’t have put in a good word to the owner and gotten me a radio spot.
AND, I wouldn’t have coerced Justin to break his diet with a delicious Primanti’s sandwich, and talk comedy with him and Brett until 2 AM.
So, I guess the universe was pretty crafty after all.
Wish me luck for tomorrow. I might not be waiting tables much longer.