I can’t wait ’til the future gets here

And now for an installment of Teaching Everything To Everyone.
I have been hearing a few things lately that I absolutely cannot stand to let exist any longer. I hope everyone in the world reads this, because you idiots need to.
1. It’s STATUTE of limitations. Not STATUE. I believe there was a whole fucking Seinfeld episode on this one. There is no statue of limitations standing anywhere but Idiotland, where you come from.
I heard this one on the radio today, which is not too odd, because DJs often spell the name of their job wrong, but I was still surprised.
It’s statute. As in, “The statute of limitations on whether or not I can be arrested after punching you in your stupid face is one year.”
2. The word “MYSELF” is a reflexive pronoun which can NEVER be used as a subject or a direct or indirect object.
It is used as emphasis and reflection and nothing else because your SELF is an intangible entity!
People always think they sound smart and professional when they say, “Contact Jim or myself,” or “Blow Steve or myself,” or “Myself are a dummy.”
Do that age-old magical word erase-o and you’ll learn that the correct term is either “me” or “I” depending on context.
If you don’t believe myself, yourself are a dummy.
3. Ellipsis…I’m not even gonna think about it anymore.
4. The word “ACRONYM” means an actual spoken word that is made of a series of letters. Like SCUBA and SNAFU and LASER.
An ABBREVIATION is some letters spoken as letters. Like FBI or IRC.
I heard Al Roker, while reporting on the unspeakable dangers of the interweb, warning parents to be aware of sly acronyms their children use online such as “LOL” or “OMG.”
Not only were there Dave-Barry-esque comical ones that absolutely no one uses like IHTSCOWOWWYMPASRBMWCLITFPF!!! (hip computer kid lingo for “I Have To Stop Cybering On World Of Warcraft With You, My Parents Are Standing Right Behind Me, We’ll Continue Later In The Furry Porn Forums!”), but LOL isn’t an acronym, buddy.
Maybe Mr. Roker should buy a dictionary with all the money he’s saved not eating cheeseburgers.
5. This isn’t so much a rule as it…should be.
Adding “(sp?)” after a word is not a “get out of being an idiot free” card.
Either take the time to look the word up, or if you really have no clue, just leave the (sp?) out.
You’re just as stupid with the (sp?) as if you left it out, because you still made the mistake. Now, I don’t claim to know every word or its spelling, but I OWN UP.
I make my mistake and I’m loud and proud and here and queer and I don’t want any more bears.
Come on, if that little (sp?) thing were even worth the time to write to save you from looking ignorant, why don’t we each append (EVERYTHING I JUST SAID MAY HAVE BEEN STUPID, I DON’T KNOW?!?) after everything we say?
Maybe we should, little man. Maybe we should.
Well, that’s it for me.
This is not a comprehensive list of my pet peeves, but something I thought needed to be nipped in the bud before I nipped it for you. Or something.
Come on. Learn the rules.
I’m tired of being the smartest person in the world ever.
P.S. — No, I’m not.

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