Harry Potter and the Half Bloody Face of the Assholes Who Are Assholes

Well, the 6th Harry Potter book has been given away to me for the third time today.
By a friend in an IM.
With a warning.
Yeah, I guess it IS my fault, after all, I didn’t start reading it the second I got it and hired a page turner to turn pages while I ate and bought a tiny Harry Potter Piss Goblet so I wouldn’t have to take a bathroom break and Harry Potter Brand Crack to keep up all night so NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY OF FINISHING THIS BOOK MERE HOURS AFTER JK ROWLING PUT HER DAMN PEN DOWN!!
I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.
The first time it was given away, I was in Iron Forge (sort of like the Grand Central Station of World of Warcraft), and someone thought it would be hilarious to advertise their guild as “The best guild since < HUGE SECRET! >” Oh, you kids are so quirky.
The 1 1/2 time it was given away was when I was reading USA Today, who had apparently gotten my angry letter about giving away the last book, and made a snide comment in the article to the effect of “We’re not giving anything away, since we know how angry everyone gets, but < HINT OF HUGE SECRET THAT COULD YIELD 3 POSSIBLE RESULTS, SO BY MERELY THINKING OF THEM, THE SECRET IS GIVEN AWAY >.”
The second half of that was given away by a co-worker who loves to say things like, “Oh, man, weren’t you < EMOTION CAUSED BY A SECRET > that…Oh, RIGHT, you haven’t finished yet. Well, when you do, you are going to be sooooo < EMOTION AGAIN! >”
So I’ve been avoiding everything that could lead to it like the plague.
Even though I’m pretty sure I know that there is a secret and what that secret is, I feel like perhaps I will catch amnesia very soon, or hit myself over the head with a blunt object until I do (downside: might also forget how to read).
I was aware that there was an mpeg floating around the internet where someone drives past a line of Harry Potter fans waiting to get the book and shouts out The Big Secret, and have successfully avoided that even though it’s supposed to be funny.
I was aware that there’s a TShirtHell shirt with the secret on it.
Apparently, so was a friend of mine.
Who decided to send me the link.
Oh, don’t worry, he was kind enough to write “Don’t click here unless you’ve finished the book!”
Oh, but were those words the hyperlink text?
No!
The link was right there, in all it’s glory.
And what do you think was right before the .html, hmmm??
THE FUCKING SECRET.
THANK YOU!!
Assholes.
That’s akin to saying, “Hey, mom, I have a big secret, but I don’t want to tell you until you’ve met my new roommate. So click this link as soon as we come visit you next week. This link here — http://secrets.com/iamalesbian.html”
I would write more, but there are so many things I have to go do before other secrets are given away. I need to watch Citizen Kane, I should check out Soylent Green, and I have to hurry and read every book ever written ever ever.
PS — If I finish the book and it turns out that, even though the 3 “given away” secrets were identical, they were not actually true, and actually just happenstance that each person made up the same “wrong path” to lead me down so as not to give away the “real” secret, I will retract my statements with an apology.

Comments are closed.