Firecrotch

I was going to write about all the things I’d like to happen to Paris Hilton, but all I could really come up with was Westley’s Pain Speech from “Princess Bride.”
To refresh:
“To the pain,” means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose…The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right…Your ears you keep, and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God, what is that thing?” will echo in your perfect ears.
The only thing I would change is the whole eye losing thing, because I think Paris Hilton probably has the imagination of a dead hippo, and I’d like her to actually see all the people recoiling in horror at her.
Ooh, ooh, I just thought of a better thing I’d like to happen to her! How about all the sin punishments from “Seven” (or “Se7en,” if you’re pretentious) happening to her simultaneously! Well, except that I don’t think she should kill the Kevin Spacey because he brings more to society than she does. Wait, I didn’t mean Kevin Spacey, I meant his character, the psychopathic serial killer. But yeah, all the other stuff, getting fat, sex with razor blades, nose cut off, all that sounds jim dandy. And also being envious of Brad Pitt, perhaps because he’s famous for an actual reason.
Come up with your own terrible things to do to Paris Hilton! It’s fun!
You can even come up with things that weren’t featured in movies!

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