Etiquette

I am here to teach a few people a few things about life. I’ve seen the following societal rules ignored by the general populace recently, and on the off-chance they stumble upon this blog, I have a thing or two to teach them. Who knows, you might learn something, too!


  • Elevators
    My company recently decided to stop trusting simple spreadsheets quoting our hours and has decided to implement a clocking-in system. I have taken that lack of trust as a slap in the face, and I no longer come in a few minutes early to set up, because clocking in early is “not preferred.” Now, it’s a mad rush from the car to my computer at 8:00 A.M. so as not to be there for a second I’m not being paid for.
    I say that to say this. I am no longer The Nice Girl Who Holds The Elevator for people.
    Look, there are three elevators for an 8-floor building. Don’t clack your heels frantically down the lobby because I’m not holding the door for you or your 12 friends behind you. Look, you dropped all your files. You think I’m holding it for you now? Someone else will come eventually. Why don’t I hold the doors open until 9:00, so I can catch every person who comes?
    Another elevator will come in negative 3 seconds. That is not an exaggeration.
    And, you, Mr. Scowlsworth. Don’t give me the stink eye just because you work on the 8th floor and I work on the 2nd. No, I can’t take the stairs, because they are protected by an alarm. Trust me, I’ve tried.
    I never take elevators if I can help it, because I never get out of the office to work out, so shut it, and wait the extra second for me to get off at the 2nd floor.
  • Traffic Lights
    Look, I don’t know how you did it on the mother planet, but here a blinking red light means stop, then PROCEED WITH CAUTION. It does not mean stop forever and MAKE ME LATE. It’s nearly 7:59, and I’m trying to avoid Scowlsworth! Perhaps on your planet a blinking red light means “stop until all three suns align,” but here it means “I am a very expensive electronic stop sign,” now move it!
    Don’t even get me started on the magical California red left-turn arrows.

That’s it. I had some more complaints, but they really pale in comparison to those. I could mention my unending anger towards people who say “supposably” and “fermiliar,” but that doesn’t really count as etiquette, unless it’s against social etiquette for me to punch you in the mouth. In my book, that’s considered a formal greeting.

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