Email Snob

A couple years ago, I informed my theater camp that there was something called a computer and the internet and if they could use them, they could benefit from the efficiency. So I threw together a website and taught my mom how to use a contact list to mass email, and we were well on our way to having hundreds of parents inform us that they couldn’t open up the website in Word and could we possibly send it as an attachment.
This taught me a valuable lesson about adults, which is that, for the most part, they are idiots. See, I wasn’t raised on a computer like the kids these days who won’t get off of my lawn. We got our first home computer when I was 13, and I learned everything about them at the same time as the rest of my family. I didn’t take wussy “keyboarding” classes or anything useful like that. The extent of my computer knowledge was writing a program in DOS in the third grade which made a “turtle” (a triangle) move around with a line behind him. I have not since used that program or even heard anyone else talk about it, but the teachers ground it into our heads with such intensity that I was sure NASA used the same program to guide rocketships to space.
The point is, I taught myself everything I know, and I was exposed to computers as much as anyone else in the middle class would be. So I guess I give everyone else in the world too much credit when I assume that they have mastered the double-click.
And it irritates me that someone will show me a program I’ve never seen and not only expect me to have it memorized, but also assume that I am incorrect.
Otherwise Intelligent Person: How do I save this as a jpeg?
Lauren: Well, try going to File > Save As…
OIP: Maybe it’s in View, since I want to view the file after I save it.
Now, do I want to save this as an OCJ?
Lauren: I thought you said you wanted a jpeg.
OIP: Well, it’s asking me if I want it as an OCJ, and I don’t know what that is.
Lauren: Neither do I, so why don’t you just choose jpeg?
OIP: *scoffs* I thought you knew about computers.
One of my current favorite pastimes is reading through the emails in my mother’s contact list and deciding which people are reasonably intelligent. I’m about to offend a lot of my readers, huh?
* — Me
*@< corporateaddress >.com — Likely Moderately Intelligent
* — Was Moderately Intelligent until Gmail Came Out
* — Not Intelligent Enough to Understand Better Available Email Options
* — Housewife
* — Moron
* — Really Big Moron
Now, I see a lot of emails of you folks who leave comments, and I don’t mean to offend you. I’ve owned all of these accounts myself (except the last two), and it’s my opinion that gmail works the best and is the most intuitive and user-friendly. But you read this site, so you’ve obviously reached my standards for intelligence.
The point is that adults are dummies, and if I can teach myself how to interweb, anyone else can, too.

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