Eat that, “Closer”

And now, the Golden Globe for best Christmas Purchase that sort of seemed sucky because of all the hubs and routers and cables she had to buy, not to mention the $300 Activation Fee that she has to foot herself…
Lauren’s ReplayTV (TiVo++) for its ability to fast-forward past commercials, slow-walking award-winners sitting seemingly four theaters away, and boring acceptance speeches.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ReplayTV: Thank you, thank you. I’d like to thank everyone who was involved in getting me to Lauren. I’d like to apologize to the customer service people that she screamed on the phone to who told her initially that her order didn’t come through because “they were closed,” to which she yelled “THE INTERNET DOESN’T CLOSE!!!”
I’d like to thank Justin for setting up the routers and hubs and airports and leprechauns and unicorns that make me work.
I’d like to thank TechTV for telling Lauren that TiVo sucks and I am great.
[ Voice breaking ]
I just wouldn’t have done it without you guys!
[ MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY ]
Wait, I’d also like to assure Felicia that someday she will understand how my remote works, instead of staring at it like a grandmother stares at an ATM, before throwing it on the couch and stomping away muttering about “kids” and their “newfangled appliances” and “talking picture boxes” and “make-out parties.” Hang in there, Felish!
[ AN USHER SIDLES UP TO REPLAYTV ]
No, no, wait! I’d also like to thank Monk and Jeopardy! for having marathons, and no thanks to shows like Home Movies and Arrested Development who are only on once a week! You guys suck!
[ AN USHER BEGINS TO DRAG REPLAYTV OFFSTAGE ]
Hey, wait! You’re really Usher! Sheesh, can’t you get any work in this town?!
Robin Williams: Is it time for people to pay attention to me and laugh at every word that comes out of my mouth, regardless if it was intended to be a joke or not?
[ JIM CARREY AND WILL FERRELL ATTACK ROBIN WILLIAMS WITH CHLOROFORM AND DRAG HIM OFFSTAGE ]
ReplayTV: Let’s see that again with my Quick Rewind function!!!

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