Awkward in America

So I discovered the other day a fact that I had previously forgotten: I don’t have to be in Japan to make a complete fool of myself! Yeah, I can do it right here, too, where I know the society and understand the culture. It’s easy! You can do it, too, if you just follow these simple steps.
First, if you’re supposed to meet your friend at a Starbucks, park your car, and walk in confidently looking for her. If you don’t see her right away, look for a table that has some stuff on it. Maybe she’s in the bathroom! Ignore all the people at other tables “writing” and looking at you funny that you’re surveying the Starbucks instead of buying a coffee and pretending to be important like they are.
Anyway, if you find a table with stuff on it, try to identify if your friend would own those things. Is she in town for the weekend? Yes? Then that’s why there’s an overnight bag with clothes in it. Has she been at the Starbucks for about an hour, just whiling away the time? Yes? Then it makes SENSE that there’s a notebook on the table!
So just peer over and lift up the notebook cover to see if there’s a name and — OH, LOOK! There’s a guy coming straight for you — a high schooler, just leaving the bathroom, and his face clearly says, “Why are you all up in my business? I am not your friend Katherine.”
And then Katherine calls and she’s at another Starbucks entirely.
OR how about this?
You’re at Panera Bread because your internet is still out at home, and you need the wifi. You’re browsing the interwebs, but some people are having a business meeting at the other table, and the guy sounds really dumb. He’s a writer, and he’s blabbing about his book and his new pilot coming out on HBO, but you can’t imagine that he’s very interesting or creative, you can just tell. And he’s making grown-up jokes and referring to the internet in a way that you just KNOW he barely knows how to turn on a computer. So when he says his URL, you smirk to yourself, “Oh, I’ve just GOT to see what this bozo has to offer.” So you type it in.
AAAAAAnd, guess what? Of COURSE there’s a splash page, complete with music blasting, and of COURSE he knows the music from his own damn website, and you fumble with the mouse, but you just want to close the TAB, since you’ve got all these job prospect websites open that you want to keep available, so to close this moron’s page is really hard to do, and he’s already staring at you and so is his wife, and GREAT, now you have to move. Move tables, but, yes, probably also Paneras, or possibly towns.
These are the stories of my life. I am a living parody.

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