Ask HoneyBeeManor
No one ever said life was easy. Every day tough choices and uncomfortable situations
plague our peace of mind and well-being.
Well, NOT ANYMORE!!
We here at HoneyBeeManor care about our readers, and as such, we have
organized our staff to take time away from the hilarious updates and comics
to solve your problems!
Why? Because we care about you, that's why.
Don't ever question us again.
So send us your questions about life, dating, the tastiness of cakes - whatever -
and you will get three unbiased responses from our three devoted staff members that span
the gamut of life experience.
No facet of life is left uncovered!
KingHade119 asks: Am I gay?
Wow. What a wonderful way to start off this new section. With a complete and thorough question like that.
Great. Grand. Wonderful.
Well, your majesty, there is no comfortable way for me to address this, but from where I'm standing, you are a completely flaming homosexual.
Sorry.
I am sure glad I don't live in YOUR kingdom.
KingHade? More like KingHOMO! Hah!
But seriously, Mister Hade, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Gays do plenty of constructive things for our society. Such as arranging drapes and
figure skating.
Well, that's about it. Perhaps some other things, but I know how your kind
gets all antsy in their pantsy when reading long passages from us Heteros, so I'll let you go
watch a movie or something.
Might I recommend Splendor in the Ass. It's a classic.
Now what kinda shit is THIS? Nigga, PLEASE, I don't got time fo dis.
Do I look like fuckin Miss Cleo to you? Do I got a crystal ball here to tell you your fucking
fortune?
Ma'fu'ka, I only got two balls here, and they ain't crystal, and you best not
be tryin to get up in dis, because dis ass is fo bitches only.
Ey, Lauren? Isn't dis an ADVICE section? What da fuck kind of advice do you give to "Am I gay?"
How about "Dear Dumb Fuck, Axe better questions. Love always, Marshall"
I'ma go fuck a ho now.
PEACE.
That you even had to ask is proof enough that yes, indeed, you are gay.
I've seen enough After-School specials to be aware of the sensitive, confused teen who just
doesn't have all the answers. In fact,
it is incredible how apparently gay you are, dear reader, that you probably
had to take a cock out of your ass just to sit at the computer to write this inquiry.
Let's look for some proof. Its all right there in your email address. An email address
can really identify someone. It can say volumes about a person's
subconscious, their desires, wants, needs, and yes, sexual preference. When i first saw your email, i
thought to myself, Hades. Hades, in Greek mythology, was king of the underworld, lord of the
dead. This here is a key indicator. I know it must be hard growing up as a confused,
homosexual teen, and it's quite natural that you'd think about death. You gays are so sassy,
though, that you could only settle for lord of the dead. No need to be ashamed.
We've all had this dream one time or another. In your case, however, this sign points to Gayville.
Then I thought, maybe I'm reading into it too much. So I grabbed "Hade" and
headed for our friend Google. This was the first hit:
1. The angle of inclination from the vertical of a vein, fault, or lode.
Found here,
this is a key fact to unlock your gay identity. I think the evidence here speaks for itself.
Finally, let's look at the numbers you've chosen to follow your homo moniker. 119. Quite
obviously the 1's stand for little cocks. Two of them. As in two men joining together in
carnal sin. 1 and 1 also add up to 2. And, well, it is known
that Tu2thepoo is so sexy that he could easily turn a straight man gay. Is Tu the cause
for your homoerotic tendencies? I'm not sure. But he certainly didn't help matters.
Finally we have a 9. Clearly, you are only half of a gay, gay 69.
Do not fret, dear reader, for I am an expert on gays. I watch an awful lot of Will & Grace,
and I can say with certainly that gays are much funnier than straight
people. They are, however, constantly failing at real relationships. You may have a long,
lonely life ahead of you, dear reader, but rest assured, that life will be peppered with many
hilarious moments involving guest celebrities.
Thanks for writing, and good luck on your new gay life.
Robin asks: Hey there!
I couldn't help but notice that you were wearing a 'reason' t-shirt...
If you produce as good as you are cute then i'd love to hear some of your
sounds...
greets,
robin
I'm cute!!
Look, bitch face, I'll field dis one.
She swiped da shirt from her ex-boyfriend who couldn't fit into it, 'cause he was a fatty.
An' fatty dumped HER ass. Go figure.
You give fatties a chance and dey walk all over you.
'Course it hurts more, 'cause they FATTIES.
You can listen to some of Fatty's songs, but they mostly about robots and Star Wars and about what a loser he is and
why he likes men or something like dat. Anyway, it's "well". "If you produce as 'well' as you are cute."
I know it's Slut's job to correct grammar, but she's off pointing to herself seductively in the mirror now,
so there you have it.
DoctaDave asks:
I have a graduation party on Monday and I'm stuck on thinking what to
get food wise. So far I have a nice sized sub, but I should probably get more.
I'm thinking a good sized salad or two, and I should probably get some pasta
too. Some dessert also I guess. Ummmmm... what else?
You can never go wrong with salads. And pies. Actually, if this place weren't named honeybeemanor.com,
it was going to be named bigsaladsandpies.com, that is how much I enjoy a good big salad and pie.
In fact, my favorite conversation on the Drew Carey show was when someone asked what he liked on his salad, and
he answered "Pie".
Pure comedy.
Also, if you're inviting ME (which I highly recommend), you might want to make sure you're stocked to the gills
with Big Macs.
Ooh, and one of those huge cakes with an edible picture photocopied on the top of it - you can get it done at Sam's Club.
And also, it should be a huge picture of me shrugging, like "Who wants cake? I don't know!"
But I really DO know! ME!
God, sometimes I wonder if I'm really the only one who smokes weed 'round here.
Speaking of, all you really gotta have are some forties and blunts to throw a good party.
Make sure you got some hoes, too. Cover some-a yo couches wit silk or some shit, sit da hoes down, (make sure they
dressed real skanky-like) and put on some Dre or 50 Cent, and there you have it.
'Course if you have enough blunts, you're probably also gonna need some pizza and Cheetos for later on.
Your party foods suck ass, dear reader. The first thing you need at a party is Watergate Salad.
Get yourself some cool whip, pistachio pudding mix, mini marshmallows and crushed pineapples.
Stick that in a bowl and mix. Throw away your salads. What are you, a hippie? You need greasy
chips.
Get a little deep fryer, and deep fry whatever is in your cabinets.
Whatever. That's Moe like it.
Patrick asks:
Dear Kitsune,
How do you type with gloves on your hands?
Sincerely,
Patrick from TN
BALEETED!
I get it. You think we ripped this section off of the ol' Strong Bad emails, eh?
Well, you're RIGHT. So FUCK YOU.
We'd probably have some flash around here, if Cock-Whore over there would get the balls to install Hotwire up in this piece.
They would probably SUCK anyway - have you SEEN her comics?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
So why don't you update your goddamned webpage Mister "Mo"?
Well, now that I think about it, don't you think this section rips off Love and Hate from Penny Arcade more?
Like the chinese do. Use sticks.
Or buy this
keyboard.
nliles asks:
Why do I find Lauren so hot?
Well, there are many ways I could go about answering this.
The first, and most obvious answer is, that it's because I AM.
The second, but more true answer is that you are probably a lonely loser who has not seen a whole lot of women.
I mean, seriously. I am really not that attractive.
Let's look at my roster of boyfriends, shall we?
#1 Bill Pesce: Dated Summer before Senior year of High School. Soccer player with a mullet. Reason for breaking up: He just stopped calling me.
Cool. Great.
#2 Jon Min: Dated Summer before college. Played Cello. Did not think I was funny. Told me he loved me before we even started dating. Reason for breaking up: Found a hot asian girl.
Sweet.
#3 Sean Wilson: Dated for 3 years through college. Fashioned his own jedi robe and light saber. Played accordion in a rock band. Reason for breaking up: "Just didn't feel right anymore."
AWESOME
#4 Jeff Haslett: Dated for 4 months. Did oxycontin for a spell, then figured, well why not just do heroin? Warrants out for his arrest in 3 states.
Arrested in this state for shoplifting and paintballing. Told me he loved me a week after starting dating. Reason for breaking up: Liked heroin. Upset that I wouldn't "give it up".
Understandable
#5 Brandon Keeler: Dated for almost 2 months. Used to do oxycontin. Arrested thrice for counts of aggravated assault and domestic violence. Told me he loved me the day we started dating. Reason for breaking up: Just not ready for a relationship.
Okay.
Now, do you think a hot girl would attract people like this? Clearly there is something wrong with the calibration of your monitor, because a sane person would concur that a "hot" girl as you say would be able to attract some better people than that.
I have self esteem so low, people have been talked out of suicide by hearing my life story, and realizing how much worse it could be.
I'm going to go cry now.
High five, brotha!
God, I love watching Lauren cry.
Yeah, have a good cry, Sissy. Let me lick your tears! The tears of unfathomable sadness!
So, anyway, dude, she's right.
On a scale of one to attractive, she's not.
I have fucked some pretty skanky hoes, but you could not roll a blunt thick enough for me to hump dat Bitch.
Seriously, man. Go to like... camwhores.com or something.
You can do better! Just hang in there!
You are either a guy or a lesbian.
Is this you?
If so, what the hell is wrong with you? By the way, you spelled Snac and
disgruntaled wrong.
Vegeta502 asks:
since when do you have 3 devoted staff members?
Since when do I have such retarded readers?
Jesus, I thought this place had class. I try to frighten the cretins away, but I guess some fall through the cracks.
*sigh* Okay, if you must know, this place has had three devoted staff members since I decided to HIRE TWO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sheesh, I don't even know how to answer that.
Look, pal. I know your "website" has like fifty bajillion authors who blog everyday all like
"Yo, w3rd, homie! Today I ate salt! leet!!!", but around here we run a tight ship.
Sometimes Lauren isn't around to publicly humiliate as many people as she would like, so she put on two more assholes.
It was a rigorous screening and hiring process.
First, I was supposed to have a verbal battle of the wits with her. She called me a Noogle, which is pretty fuckin' racist, because that is OUR word.
So I whipped out my gat, and I busted a few caps into her PS2.
My second test was to sign onto the HotButteredFunk forums and refrain from posting.
It was supposed to be a test of patience and keeping one's impulses under control, but I failed and went apeshit on the fucking mindless wastes of humanity,
but it turned out to be a trick question and I ended up getting Bonus points.
My third test was to drink a fifth of Captain Morgan's and pass out playing SSX Tricky.
Actually, it wasn't, but that's what I did anyway, because I was sick of her fucking tests.
I was hired on the spot.
eminem@penny-arcade.com asks:
Will you got out with me?
Yes, all right? Yes. HELLO, ALL WEB NERDS, I WILL GO OUT WITH YOU.
I WILL MEET WITH YOU ALL AND I WILL GO OUT WITH YOU AND LOVE YOU.
Jesus, I am so sick of this.
eminem@penny-arcade.com, huh?
I tried to get a job with them, but Tycho said I wouldn't really fit in, 'cause they already had a trash talking imaginary device that everyone hated named Div.
I free style rapped a couple verses, but then Gabe started coming on to me, so I sort of made up some story about needing to go home to smoke weed and fuck bitches, and ran out the door, drove home,
and smoked some weed and fucked some bitches.
Heh, so I guess it wasn't so bad after all.
omnesolum asks:
Hey Kitsune!
Here's my question: Why does your hair always look so
full and soft?
Well, right now I use Herbal Essences, but sometimes I use Suave Strawberry Scent, because sometimes I'll be in
the shower, and I'll get a hankerin' for strawberries that can only be satiated by scrubbing something that smells like them
into my hair.
Then I blow it dry with a little curly type deal that somehow causes the ends of my hair to defy gravity.
Anyway, thanks for asking!
Semen.
Lauren boils the fat of babies and mixes it in a 2:1 ratio with Suave
Coconut Conditioner.
Do you
have babies? Lauren loves babies.
DEAD babies.
He's right.
Nitrofenix asks:
why does this chicken taste like chicken?
Um. I don't eat chicken.
Well, unless it's like mass produced Chicken Fingers like from Eat N Park.
Or like Chicken McNuggets, yum!
Or like some chicken that's in chicken salad with almonds that I eat for lunch everyday.
Actually, I eat chicken a lot.
Sorry, I must have been mixing me up with someone else.
I do that a lot.
Well, the nerd answer is 'cause someone programmed it into the Matrix, because that grueley stuff they ate
on the Nebuchadnezzar wouldn't have been very appetizing.
The real life answer is that it's because you're an asshole.
What kind of question is that?
Go spam the forums or something.
How do i know what tastes like chicken to you tastes like chicken to me?
Maybe the universal taste for chicken isn't a taste at all, but a generic sensation our brain assigns
when there is no taste. Maybe many things are devoid of taste.
Maybe they are hollow, boring,
senseless items that you happen to eat.
Maybe we are all hollow, boring senseless objects. We just
happen to have opposable thumbs, so we've developed this self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude
against the rest of the world.
Maybe there is no point to any of this, and when we die, we'll just
blink out, and our lives will be remembered as being as bland as your chicken. Maybe you
should go into the bathtub now and cut your wrists, and see what happens.
If you find out, write us
back at Honeybeemanor!
tu2 asks:
What do I do when idiots on a website I help run think they're funny
but really aren't?
How do I deal with people that think it's hilarious to
recycle old jokes?
Is there a way to shut them up without seeming like an
asshole?
If I'm asking for the impossible, can you just tell me I'm a good person?
Oh, Tu, I'm so glad you asked that.
Here's what you do. Mock them mercilessly.
Mock them until they cry. Call them fat. If their mom just died, hey - comedic fodder right there.
If they spell things wrong, ridicule their credibility.
They'll call you a bitch behind your back, but what do you care? You have your own site and your own agenda.
The bad news is this, my friend... You can't shut them up.
This is the internet.
They will continue to spell "the" as "teh". They will continue to offer newbies cornchips or slap them with aquatic creatures.
They will continue to use the word "than" instead of "then" and use the word "of" instead of "have" (as in "I should of known that the FUCKING PHRASE IS 'SHOULD HAVE'.")
Yes, Tu, these people make my eyes bleed, too, but all you can do is know you're better than they are.
Is it ironic that you're asking this on a website where YOU comment and think YOU'RE funny?
Shut up, Marshall.
Fuck you, BITCH.
Get back in the closet and eat Moogle Dre's ass. Clean it out, while you're in there, like your fucking song.
*Pulls out a glock and fires a few shots into Lauren's GameCube Memory cards*
Your answer, dear reader, lies here.
Even though you are a good person, these people are indeed out to get you.
Things do not happen without a
reason. The idiots are growing. You can go through your user profiles and
count them. The truth
is, many of them hate you. Actually, they all hate you. So do we. Each
inane joke and bad pun
is another potshot at your fragile psyche. There is a website, which i will
not reveal to you,
that catalogues the slow, but inevitable, downfall of Tu. We were watching
you when you were eating
lunch yesterday. We were watching you when you were at E3. We were even
watching you when you were
showering this morning. We will not stop until you have fallen to your
knees and succumbed to the
insurmounting madness that is slowly swallowing you. We have already
pre-ordered party hats and
noisemakers for the occasion.
Thanks for writing!
zippo796 asks:
how many different colors do bees come in?
also, where did the bee girl on the homepage come from?
thanks :]
What the fuck do I look like, an encyclopedia?
This isn't Information-On-Bees.com it's just an amusing catchy domain, named after my favorite part of Final Fantasy 7.
And the bee girl on the "homepage". Someone gave it to me. I can't remember who. But he was cool. There are so many
interfriends whose names begin with S's. Strife, Stroud, Scyta1e, Spider, Ssssssssss, I can't be expected to remember them all.
Samsonite! I was WAY off.
No, really, it was scyta1e. I found the email. He is the coolest kid in town.
Anyway, uh, you're welcome. Thank you for submitting this to the AskHoneyBeeManor section, and not in a private email to me, so I can publicly ridicule you.
Uh, Lauren. I quit.
I'm sorry, these questions smack of homosexuality.
Can I have my pay check?
I have to pay Neil for those bags he fronted me.
What? I don't get PAID for this shit?
Okay, I'll stay.
Bees come in the colors of yellow, black, and fuck you. What are you,
writing a term paper? We at
Honeybeemanor will not do your schoolwork for you. I hope you fail. I hope
you get kicked out of
school and die in a carfire. But before that, i hope you get your foot run
over, because that
really hurts. Really really bad. I also hope, that as you're hopping away
from the street after
being run over, you wind up at a bee-keeping station, where the bee-keeper
is high on crack cocaine
and doesn't notice you there. And you trip and fall and land on the biggest
hive there is. And you
crush the queen bee. And all the other bees sting you. Big, hairy African
killer bees.
Man, that's
got to hurt.
Thanks for writing!
kbaker asks:
Will you marry me?
Depends. Will you buy me a car? Will you pay my rent? Do I have to sleep with you?
Do I ever have to meet you?
If your answers are yes, yes, and no, no, respectively, then yes. In a heartbeat.
Fucker, THREE of us get these emails.
So are you asking ME?
Shit, no one's ever asked me to marry them before.
Wait, are you a chick? Do you grow bud? Do you want think Lauren's funny? Do you think I should keep working for her Gay Ass?
If your answers are yes, yes, and no, no, respectively, then yes. In a heartbeat.
butahp asks:
Paper or plastic? I just wanted to see how this thing worked.
*sigh*
You've been hanging out in your forums too much, buddy.
moonliteshadow asks:
r u hosting ror r u gunna start 2 host cuzz i rillee likes ur saite so
reply!
MY EYES!!!!!!
Holy shit, do we really have to respond to each of these?
Um. Lemme try to talk on this chick's level.
Um... helo. retard skool call-d me. dey miss u. backstreet boyz = kewlies!
we wouldn't host u if a sykotic clown held a semi-automatic to r heads.
plz never breed.
Jesus Christ...
aristocat25 asks:
why is it when things are going good in life, we still end up f**king
it up and destroying the peace!!!!!!!
It's okay, kitty. You can say fuck here.
Watch! FUCK! It's fun! You try it!
Now, I never fuck anything up, because I never do anything.
It's true. When I'm in a relationship and that red light goes on in my head that says "Hey, Lauren, maybe watching your boyfriend
going on a mescaline trip and puking in your yard should be a warning sign that this relationship isn't for you."
I ignore it.
When I get that little conscience guy saying "Hey, Lauren. Sean doesn't want to make out with you. In fact, you're begging
him to, and he is telling you he prefers to write his philosophy paper, because after all, it IS Friday
night, and the paper is due on Tuesday. Maybe you should go out with another boy, like one who isn't gay", I say,
"Hey, Conscience, shut up! It'll get better! I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn't want to fuck up a potentially good thing, now would we?"
So instead I do nothing, and what happens?
I get jacked right in the ass.
So in conclusion, destroy the peace.
Destroy the FUCK out of it.
It'll never work out, either way, and better you fuck it up, than you end up getting fucked.
Trust me.
Is anyone else tired of hearing these inquiries just turn into how much of a fucking pushover Lauren is?
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