Ask HoneyBeeManor

KingHade119 asks: Am I gay?
Wow. What a wonderful way to start off this new section...with a complete and thorough question like that.
Great. Grand. Wonderful.
Well, your majesty, there is no comfortable way for me to address this, but from where I'm standing, you are a completely flaming homosexual.
Sorry, I'm sure glad I don't live in YOUR kingdom.
KingHade? More like KingHOMO! Hah!
But seriously, Mister Hade, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Gays do plenty of constructive things for our society. Such as arranging drapes and figure skating.
Well, that's about it. Perhaps some other things, but I know how your kind gets all antsy in their pantsy when reading long passages from us Heteros, so I'll let you go watch a movie or something.
Might I recommend Splendor in the Ass. It's a classic.
What kinda shit is THIS? I don't got time for this.
Do I look like fuckin' Miss Cleo to you? Do I got a crystal ball here to tell you your fucking fortune?
Fucker, I only got two balls here, and they ain't crystal, and you best not be tryin to get up in this, because this ass is for bitches only.
Lauren, isn't this an ADVICE section? What the fuck kind of advice do you give to "Am I gay?"
How about "Dear Dumb Fuck, Axe better questions. Love always, Marshall"
I'ma go fuck a ho now.
PEACE.
That you even had to ask is proof enough that yes, indeed, you are gay.
I've seen enough After-School specials to be aware of the sensitive, confused teen who just doesn't have all the answers. In fact, it is incredible how apparently gay you are, dear reader, that you probably had to take a cock out of your ass just to sit at the computer to write this inquiry.

Let's look for some proof. Its all right there in your email address. An email address can really identify someone. It can say volumes about a person's subconscious, their desires, wants, needs, and yes, sexual preference. When i first saw your email, i thought to myself, Hades. Hades, in Greek mythology, was king of the underworld, lord of the dead. This here is a key indicator. I know it must be hard growing up as a confused, homosexual teen, and it's quite natural that you'd think about death. You gays are so sassy, though, that you could only settle for *lord* of the dead. No need to be ashamed. We've all had this dream one time or another. In your case, however, this sign points to Gayville.
Then I thought, maybe I'm reading into it too much. So I grabbed "Hade" and headed for our friend Google. This was the first hit:
1. The angle of inclination from the vertical of a vein, fault, or lode.
Found here, this is a key fact to unlock your gay identity. I think the evidence here speaks for itself.
Finally, let's look at the numbers you've chosen to follow your homo moniker. 119. Quite obviously the 1's stand for little cocks. Two of them. As in two men joining together in carnal sin. 1 and 1 also add up to 2. And, well, it is known that Tu2thepoo is so sexy that he could easily turn a straight man gay. Is Tu the cause for your homoerotic tendencies? I'm not sure. But he certainly didn't help matters.
Finally we have a 9. Clearly, you are only half of a gay, gay 69.
Do not fret, dear reader, for I am an expert on gays. I watch an awful lot of Will & Grace, and I can say with certainly that gays are much funnier than straight people. They are, however, constantly failing at real relationships. You may have a long, lonely life ahead of you, dear reader, but rest assured, that life will be peppered with many hilarious moments involving guest celebrities.
Thanks for writing, and good luck on your new gay life.
DoctaDave asks:
I have a graduation party and I'm stuck on thinking what to get food wise. So far I have a nice sized sub, but I should probably get more. I'm thinking a good sized salad or two, and I should probably get some pasta too. Some dessert also I guess. Ummmmm... what else?
You can never go wrong with salads. And pies. Actually, if this place weren't named honeybeemanor.com, it was going to be named bigsaladsandpies.com, that is how much I enjoy a good big salad and pie.
In fact, my favorite conversation on the Drew Carey show was when someone asked what he liked on his salad, and he answered "Pie".
Pure comedy.
Also, if you're inviting ME (which I highly recommend), you might want to make sure you're stocked to the gills with Big Macs.

Ooh, and one of those huge cakes with an edible picture photocopied on the top of it - you can get it done at Sam's Club.
And also, it should be a huge picture of me shrugging, like "Who wants cake? I don't know!"
But I really DO know! ME!
God, sometimes I wonder if I'm really the only one who smokes weed around here.
Speaking of, all you really gotta have are some 40s and blunts to throw a good party.
Make sure you got some hos, too. Cover some-a your couches with silk or some shit, sit the hoes down, (make sure they dressed real skanky-like), and put on some Dre or 50 Cent, and hit that shit.
And if you have enough blunts, you're gonna need some pizza and Cheetos for later on.
Happy Partying!
Your party foods suck ass, dear reader. The first thing you need at a party is Watergate Salad.
Get yourself some cool whip, pistachio pudding mix, mini marshmallows and crushed pineapples.
Stick that in a bowl and mix. Throw away your salads. What are you, a hippie? You need greasy chips.
Get a little deep fryer, and deep fry whatever is in your cabinets.
Whatever. That's Moe like it.
Patrick asks:
Dear Kitsune,
How do you type with gloves on your hands?
Sincerely,
Patrick from TN
BALEETED!
I get it. You think we ripped this section off of the ol' Strong Bad emails, eh?
Well, you're RIGHT. So FUCK YOU.
We'd probably have some flash around here, if Bitch Face over there would get the balls to learn a thing or two.
They would probably SUCK anyway - have you SEEN her comics? Yeah, that's what I thought.
So why don't you update your goddamned webpage Mister "Mo"?
Now that I think about it, don't you think this section rips off Love and Hate from Penny Arcade more?
Like the chinese do. Use sticks.

Or buy this
keyboard
.
omnesolum asks:
Hey Kitsune!
Here's my question: Why does your hair always look so full and soft?
Well, right now I use Herbal Essences, and did you ever see that Garfield where Jon is so lonely, that on Tuesday nights, he and Garfield put spaghetti on their heads and pretend to eat their hair?
Yeah, Herbal Essences is like that. Wait, what?
Anyway, I just blowdry it with a little curler that somehow causes the ends of my hair to defy gravity.
Thanks for asking!
Ever see "There's Something About Mary"?
Lauren boils the fat of babies and mixes it in a 2:1 ratio with Suave Coconut Conditioner.
Do you have babies? Lauren loves babies.

DEAD babies.
Nitrofenix asks:
Why does this chicken taste like chicken?
Um. I don't eat chicken.
Well, unless it's like mass produced Chicken Fingers like from Eat N Park.
Or like Chicken McNuggets, yum!
Or like some chicken that's in chicken salad with almonds that I eat for lunch everyday.
Actually, I eat chicken a lot.
Sorry, I must have been mixing me up with someone else.
I do that a lot.
Well, the nerd answer is 'cause someone programmed it into the Matrix, because that grueley stuff they ate on the Nebuchadnezzar wouldn't have been very appetizing.
The real life answer is that it's because you're an asshole.
What kind of question is that?
Go spam the forums or something.
How do i know what tastes like chicken to you tastes like chicken to me?
Maybe the universal taste for chicken isn't a taste at all, but a generic sensation our brain assigns when there is no taste. Maybe many things are devoid of taste.
Maybe they are hollow, boring, senseless items that you happen to eat.
Maybe we are all hollow, boring senseless objects. We just happen to have opposable thumbs, so we've developed this self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude against the rest of the world.
Maybe there is no point to any of this, and when we die, we'll just blink out, and our lives will be remembered as being as bland as your chicken. Maybe you should go into the bathtub now and cut your wrists, and see what happens.
If you find out, write us back at Honeybeemanor!
tu2 asks:
What do I do when idiots on a website I help run think they're funny but really aren't?
How do I deal with people that think it's hilarious to recycle old jokes?
Is there a way to shut them up without seeming like an asshole?
If I'm asking for the impossible, can you just tell me I'm a good person?
Oh, Tu, I'm so glad you asked that.
Here's what you do. Mock them mercilessly.
Mock them until they cry. Call them fat. If their mom just died, hey - comedic fodder right there.
If they spell things wrong, ridicule their credibility.
They'll call you a bitch behind your back, but what do you care? You have your own site and your own agenda.
The bad news is this, my friend... You can't shut them up.
This is the internet.
They will continue to spell "the" as "teh" and think it's hilarious. They will continue to offer newbies cornchips or slap them with aquatic creatures.
They will continue to use the word "than" instead of "then" and use the word "of" instead of "have" (as in "I should of known that the FUCKING PHRASE IS 'SHOULD HAVE'.")
Yes, Tu, these people make my eyes bleed, too, but all you can do is know you're better than they are.
Is it ironic that you're asking this on a website where YOU comment and think YOU'RE funny?
Your answer, dear reader, lies here.

Even though you are a good person, these people are indeed out to get you. Things do not happen without a reason. The idiots are growing. You can go through your user profiles and count them. The truth is, many of them hate you. Actually, they all hate you. So do we. Each inane joke and bad pun is another potshot at your fragile psyche. There is a website, which i will not reveal to you, that catalogues the slow, but inevitable, downfall of Tu. We were watching you when you were eating lunch yesterday. We were watching you when you were at E3. We were even watching you when you were showering this morning. We will not stop until you have fallen to your knees and succumbed to the insurmounting madness that is slowly swallowing you. We have already pre-ordered party hats and noisemakers for the occasion.
Thanks for writing!
Robin asks: Hey there!
I couldn't help but notice that you were wearing a 'reason' t-shirt...
If you produce as good as you are cute then i'd love to hear some of your sounds...

greets,
robin
I'm cute!!
I'll field this one.
She swiped the shirt from her ex-boyfriend who couldn't fit into it, 'cause he was a fatty.
And fatty dumped HER ass. Go figure.
You give fatties a chance and they walk all over you.
And it hurts more, 'cause they're fat.
You can listen to some of Fatty's songs, but they mostly about robots and Star Wars and about what a loser he is and why he likes men or something like that.
Vegeta502 asks: since when do you have 3 devoted staff members?
Since when do I have retarded readers?
Jesus, I thought this place had class. I try to frighten the cretins away, but I guess some fall through the cracks.
*sigh* Okay, if you must know, this place has had three devoted staff members since I decided to HIRE TWO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sheesh, I don't even know how to answer that.
Look, pal. I'm sure on know your "website", you have fifty bajillion authors who blog everyday all like "Yo, w3rd, homie! Today I ate salt! leet!!!", but around here we run a tight ship.
Sometimes Lauren isn't around to publicly humiliate as many people as she would like, so she put on two more assholes.
It was a rigorous screening and hiring process.
First, I was supposed to have a verbal battle of the wits with her.
She called me a Noogle, which is pretty fucking racist, because that is OUR word.
So I whipped out my gat, and I busted a few caps into her PS2.
My second test was to sign onto the HotButteredFunk forums and refrain from posting.
It was supposed to be a test of patience and keeping one's impulses under control, but I failed and went apeshit on the fucking mindless wastes of humanity,
but it turned out to be a trick question and I ended up getting Bonus points.
My third test was to drink a fifth of Captain Morgan's and pass out playing SSX Tricky.
Actually, it wasn't, but that's what I did anyway, because I was sick of her fucking tests.
I was hired on the spot.
eminem@penny-arcade.com asks: Will you go out with me?
Yes, all right? Yes. HELLO, ALL WEB NERDS, I WILL GO OUT WITH YOU.
I WILL MEET WITH YOU ALL AND I WILL GO OUT WITH YOU AND LOVE YOU.
eminem@penny-arcade.com, huh?
I tried to get a job with them, but Tycho said I wouldn't really fit in, 'cause they already had a trash talking imaginary device that everyone hated named Div.
I free style rapped a couple verses, but then Gabe started coming on to me, so I sort of made up some story about needing to go home to smoke weed and fuck bitches, and ran out the door, drove home, and smoked some weed and fucked some bitches.
Heh, so I guess it wasn't so bad after all.
zippo796 asks:
how many different colors do bees come in?
thanks :]
What the fuck do I look like, an encyclopedia?
This isn't Information-On-Bees.com it's just an amusing catchy domain, named after my favorite part of Final Fantasy 7.
Anyway, uh, you're welcome. Thank you for submitting this to the AskHoneyBeeManor section, and not in a private email to me, so I can publicly ridicule you.
Uh, Lauren. I quit.
I'm sorry, these questions smack of homosexuality.
Can I have my paycheck?
I have to pay Dre for those bags he fronted me.
What? I don't get PAID for this shit?
Okay, I'll stay.
Bees come in the colors of yellow, black, and fuck you. What are you, writing a term paper? We at Honeybeemanor will not do your schoolwork for you. I hope you fail. I hope you get kicked out of school and die in a carfire. But before that, i hope you get your foot run over, because that really hurts. Really really bad. I also hope, that as you're hopping away from the street after being run over, you wind up at a bee-keeping station, where the bee-keeper is high on crack cocaine and doesn't notice you there. And you trip and fall and land on the biggest hive there is. And you crush the queen bee. And all the other bees sting you. Big, hairy African killer bees.
Man, that's got to hurt. Thanks for writing!
kbaker asks: Will you marry me?
Depends. Will you make my car payments? Will you pay my rent?
Do I have to sleep with you? Do I ever have to meet you?
If your answers are yes, yes, and no, no, respectively, then yes. In a heartbeat.
Fucker, THREE of us get these emails.
So are you asking ME?
Shit, no one's ever asked me to marry them before.
Wait, are you a chick? Do you grow bud? Do you want think Lauren's funny? Do you think I should keep working for her Gay Ass?
If your answers are yes, yes, and no, no, respectively, then yes. In a heartbeat.
Yes, yes i will.

Fair warning, though. I will not shave my legs. And i do expect to be carried over the doorstep when we get to the honeymoon suite. Oh, and if you expect me to put out, even after we've tied the knot, you'd better be loose with yout wallet. Diamonds are Apok's best friends. Ima wear white, and you'd better not laugh, fucker.

Lastly, put a coaster under that drink. And clean up this mess! And when's the last time you've taken me out? You never treat me right anymore. I have a headache. And the cramps. Go to the store and get me some ice cream. I don't care if its 3 in the morning!
Don't you love me anymore?

Ah, this will be bliss.
butahp asks: Paper or plastic? I just wanted to see how this thing worked.
*sigh*
You've been hanging out in your forums too much, buddy.
Well, Butah, you can have paper if you hate trees. You know, they did a
study, and plants and trees do have feelings. But obviously, Mr. Tinman, you have no heart for such
things. You're probably the type of guy who plants a garden in your yard, just so you can trample it
as you walk by.
Tulips, marigolds, roses - they all mean just one thing to you. Torture.
You know, some people get thier freaky S&M kicks out of whores, but you choose flora. I just
don't get you.

And honestly, plastic? You know that shit isn't biodegradible. It chokes
the earth, kills seagulls, and gets stuck in trees, making this once beautfil landscape of America look
like a wasteland of capitalism gone wrong. Do you really hate this country that much? You
know, there are many men and women who have died overseas fighting to protect that landscape which you so
frivolously allow to get trashed and mutilated by this synthetic plague which you require just to
carry groceries to your car. Is a dozen eggs and the newest copy of I HATE FLOWERS MONTHLY that
important to you that you're willing to singlehandedly tear apart a nation once loved an revered?
First, the white man's manifest destiny steals it from the Indians. Then Butah's plastic
obessesion destroys it further.
Is there no end to your madness? You, sir, are a monster.
moonliteshadow asks: r u hosting ror r u gunna start 2 host cuzz i rillee likes ur saite so reply!
MY EYES!!!!!!
Holy shit, do we really have to respond to each of these?
Um. Lemme try to talk on this chick's level.
Um... helo. retard skool call-d me. dey miss u. backstreet boyz = kewlies!
we wouldn't host u if a sykotic clown held a semi-automatic to r heads.
plz never breed.
Jesus Christ...
You are making my eyes bleed. Please, for the love of god, put down the
keyboard, pick up a butterknife, and jab it into your eye, so that i don't have to for you.
aristocat25 asks: why is it when things are going good in life, we still end up f**king it up and destroying the peace!!!!!!!
It's okay, kitty. You can say fuck here.
Watch! FUCK! It's fun! You try it!
Hm, let's see.
How do you stop fucking things up, you ask? Maybe you're thinking too much.
As soon as things start going well in my life, I start worrying about all the awful ways my friends and loved ones could die. Like I don't have anything better to do!
Anyway, it's been my experience that you have to have the sucky parts of life so you can appreciate the happy parts.
I learned that from South Park.
I don't know. You guys are the nerds here.
Freeze yourself in carbonite?
Well, i don't. I can get along perfectly fine. It sounds like you have some issues. Anger management is a very real and serious problem in the world. Why don't you stop your dangerous emotions from raining on my parade? All i'm trying to do is make it in this world. I have a job and a wife and a crappy website, and i just want to be happy. But you just can't have that, can you? You want to take what i have and rip it up, don't you?
Why do you get off on my suffering?
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
omonk asks: Is it morally ok to try to get 2 hot chicks drunk so you can get them to make out with each other?
How about if one is your x girlfriend, and the other your wife?
What if one of the girls was really a guy wearing a dress and lipstick?
Or even better, MARILYN MANSON. He's a guy in a dress with lipstick most of the time.
And then if it IS OK, can I video tape it and put it in a q3a mod I'm making called "Enter the Matrix of Lesbeans: Reloaded" I spelled lesbeans like that cause it's funny. haha, see? Funny.
These berries taste like burning.
Keep eating the berries.
To answer your question, if your women make out when they're drunk, they would have done it when sober just as quick for maybe a ten spot.
I don't drink that much, but when I do, I do it well. None of this beer-sippy-sippy shit, I get the job done.
And not ONCE have I had the urge to make out with another girl.
I do weird stuff when I'm drunk. I like to take out the trash, clean my house up, do some dishes.
Sometimes I make a list of all the things I think are funny, so I can go back the next day and see that I'm a genius.
But, nope, never wanted another chick. Sorry.
Lauren, you are possibly the biggest pussy in the world.
I need my taxes done and I should really alphabetize my CD collection. Want a shot of tequila?
It is not only ok, but it is highly recommended that you do this. If there is one thing the gaming industry lacks, it is footage of lesbians. In fact, most of everyday life is lacking this same thing.
I suggest that, once you have the video, you take stills of it and post pictures of them around town.
Perhaps rent billboard space. Many guys would get to work in better moods, and be more productive, if they were to see 20 foot pictures of lesbians on the way. This could be an idea to revolutionze motivation techniques. Japanese work methods, regarded as the most rigorous and effective, might give way to the new patented lesbian motivation method. I commend you, dear reader, for your innovative and exciting use of lesbian soft porn.

As for pictures of guys in dresses, you need counseling. Also, Marilyn Manson does not wear a dress.
Vex65 asks: How old is too old to try to be a rock star?
Listen, you have nothing to worry about.
The simple fact that you're on a computer using the internet means you can't be a day over 35.
But really, any age is age enough to follow your dreams.
Don't let anyone tell you when is too old or too young.
And aren't you the guy who sent me those mp3s of your band that sounds like Tool?
You rock, man, keep at it.
It's all about confidence, buddy.
Have you ever heard Tom Waits? He sounds like a singing bear! But he SELLS it, man.
Also, singing bears are kind of hot. I mean, like, a chick would think so.
If you have the confidence, you can trick any shmuck into thinking you're good.
Oh, sorry. I forgot. I'm supposed to be the "Simon Cowell" of this group, aren't I?
Uh, you bloody stink, or something.
I'm going to go outside and have a fag.
How old is Mick Jagger? One year older than him.
sniperxs asks: Why is being emo so damn trendy now? :(
It's been trendy for a long time, actually, it just has a name now.
When I was in high school, the mantra was "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage," but I went to a freaking private school and had a great childhood and education, like many of emos today.
Basically, in the Emo Mission Statement, it says "I will ignore all the wonderful things that I've been given in life and instead cut myself and post pictures of it into my livejournal community "This_Community_is_brilliantly_ironic_because_we_are_all_here_because_we_have_no_friends_or_reason_for_living_
besides_posting_in_here_and_winning_the_friendship_of_other_emos_here.""
And they live by it, too.
Actually, I am kind of sick of this gangster attitude I'm fronting here.
What do I have to do to be emo?
Whine a lot and listen to awful music?
DAMN, Lauren's already got all that covered.
Confucious say, those who follow trends are the trendiest of them all.

Emo kids are sad and emotional, right? Your frowny face at the end of your query betrays you, emo.
Go cry in a corner, while i stand here and look rivet.
joecool_playinthefool asks: Do you believe that the Tunguska event was caused by
A) A Comet that underwent spontaneous self detenation in close proximity to earth's surface (say, 3 miles or less)
B) A massive but as yet unknown earthly phenomenon such as a new form of earthquake.
OR C) Aliens used Earth like America used Bikini Atoll. Rode hard and put away wet (and radioactive) ?
Why do you always put spaces before your question marks ?
Do you think that
A) We are here to answer your nerdy-ass questions about science
B) We care whether you live or die
C) We are NOT imagining Aliens doing "hard" and "wet" tests on you
OR D) None of the above.
Rode hard and put away wet like i did your moms?
That was a spontaneous self detonation, i can tell you that.
I believe it was some sort of celestial refuse. Despite the fact that there is no obvious crater, everything else seems to support an object from the sky. It may have burned up just as it was reaching the surface, or perhaps it collided in a watered area, which is likely since the area is swamp now, which would have cushioned a crater. Nothing has been found, but scientists have been looking for a metal-based meteor. How many substances are out there that we don't know about?
The fascinating part of it is the advamced growth and biological mutations occuring there.
Genetically altered ants, trees, and even small traces of blood rH type in the local Evenk tribes have been found and studied.

I found some statistics that say a 50 meter rock hitting Earth could wipe out an area the size of New Jersey, and one is estimated to hit every 100 years. Tunguska was 95 years ago. I'd move as far away from New Jersey as i could.
Ask a question?

lauren (at) honeybeemanor (dot) com