So, what I usually do around the ends of years (or shortly after them) is suddenly recall I have a blog, then hastily type up a year-in-review post, month by month, recalling what I’ve learned. It is completely self-serving, and I’m sure I’m the only one who reads them, but as it is very cathartic, I will keep it up until the internet issues a restraining order against me.

And…go!

January
-2009 started awkwardly when I found myself at a bar soiree I had begged a friend to let me tag along with him and his friends to. The New Years Rockin’ Eve replayed for the west coast, and I pecked a guy I’d been talking to ’cause everyone else was doing it with the random people they’d been talking to. After a few glasses of champagne, he asked for my number. Terrified, I asked if I could give him my e-mail instead. Smooth as silk, this one is.
-I got a new bike! Now, to move a place that has other places in biking distance!
Looking back
-How is everyone not as terrified of social interaction with strangers as I am?
-This month was cold.

February
-Greg helped me rewrite the code for the new layout of my site! Yay! Greg is currently no longer speaking to me for some reason I’m unaware of! Boo!
-I lost my wallet, got a call from the good Samaritan who found it, and was relieved that I hadn’t already canceled my credit cards. The guy couldn’t get my wallet back to me right away, and in the interim, I worried so much, I canceled them all anyway. Thanks, OCD, for making me distrust good Samaritans. (OCD Editor’s Note: OR BAD SAMARITANS, AMIRITE?)
-I spent the night at a friend’s apartment and met their roommate, the cutest guy ever.
Looking back
-Uh, always look down when you’re biking with your wallet and you hear a thud.
-If you’re single, always fix your hair and look nice when going to a friend’s house with roommates for the first time, even if you really, really want to wear pajama pants and a sweatshirt.

March
-For the large part of this month, I rolled my eyes at what I thought were just lines Tyler told every girl he met.
-I also found out about my weird thyroid problems and began a fun year-long trek through discovering what medicines I can’t take!
Looking back
-I should resolve not to be so cynical when people compliment me.
-I should resolve to not have medicinal side effects. You hear that, body?! (Body Editor’s Note: Shut it, or I’ll give you hives!)

April
-I finally believed Tyler was just inherently sweet, and we officially started dating.
-I began watching “Twin Peaks” with Melissa. She immediately googled “who killed laura palmer?” because she couldn’t take 2 seasons of suspense.
Looking back
-Tyler is very patient.
-Kyle McLaughlin is a delight.

May
-I didn’t blog very specifically in this month, but it’s safe to say I probably had a cold at some point during it, I watched a lot of television, and hated my job as a closed captioner.
Looking back
-I should blog more.

June
-I went to Pittsburgh for my annual month-long yelling at children and being yelled at by directors. It was great, as always. Tyler came to see the madness for the second show, helped me out backstage, and given his extensive theater background, was astounded to discover that a PAC stage manager does a lot less managing the stage and a lot more shushing children and giving them the stink-eye. And working the smoke machine for the Genie’s magical entrance from inside Aladdin’s lamp!
Looking back
-It will be pretty sad that my new job doesn’t allow ridiculous yearly month-long sabbaticals.

July
-I celebrated my 29th year of life with a few of my friends. I invited *more* than a few, but summer birthdays do have an other-people-on-vacation curse.
Looking back
-Don’t book a place using the total number of people invited, silly!
-Next year, I won’t use “Evite” and will instead send cards that burst into flames if you check “no” on the RSVP. That’ll teach ‘em!
-Just kidding. Next year, I’m going on a cruise and no one else is invited.
-Double just kidding. Melissa, Tyler, and Traci are invited, but self-deprecating jokes don’t work as well when you have real friends. Ask Larry David!

August
-I went to Las Vegas to watch my friends Renee and Richard get married again, since they got married in Japan a year previous, but no one attending spoke Japanese, so they very well could have been at the Swearing In Of Pokemon Masters Ceremony and just not known it.
-I joined my craft group and have continued to go almost every Monday since then! And I just got a sewing machine for Christmas! Whee! I’ma make a quilt!
Looking back
-Tyler’s phone charger must have happened in Vegas, because it stayed in Vegas. I’ll bet hotels make more than room fare auctioning those things off on ebay.
-Renee and Richard were the only ones to send me a Christmas card!
-Just kidding! My Jewish doctor sent me the other one. He’s really cool, but my thyroid is putting his kid through college.

September
-I finished my first-ever experience with Jury Duty. It was really interesting and got me thinking about a lot of things from our legal system to mortality. I’ll finish the story about it soon, but I really want to do it…JUSTICE! Seriously, though.
Looking back
-Why are you only not allowed to talk about things you REALLY, REALLY want to talk about? And when it’s over, it’s not so urgent.

October
-The only thing that sticks out in my mind about October is that I was going through the application process of my now-current job. I was sure I’d failed at so many parts during the process, but I guess you can never tell. On the 78 other interviews I’d taken time from work to go on throughout the year (number only slightly exaggerated), I’d thought I’d nailed it.
Looking back
-In the words of the great Dave Cahill — regarding searching for things, whether it be a relationship, a job, a house, and it seems so tedious and unrelenting — “It only takes one.” And then it’s great, and you maybe never have to look again.

November
-I said goodbye to all my old co-workers and whispered to them that they, too, could follow their dreams.
-I started my new job! And almost immediately went on Thanksgiving break! Terrifying!
-With Delightful Melli’s blessing, Tyler officially moved into our apartment. Scamp also approved.
Looking back
-In years past of job hunting, I’d sort of laid back around the holidays, for fear of having to ask for time off right away. I’m either super lucky to not be working in retail or to be living in LA, because it’s actually not that bad, and to any job hunters out there — it’s probably the best time, because everyone else will be thinking of slacking their searches, too.

December
-I think I’m starting to get the hang of things around the office. I hope I am. I’m the one who would be in charge of scheduling my own feedback, so I might write in “Tell Lauren she’s awesome” on my boss’ calendar for January 4th.
-I did a whirlwind tour of the east coast, catching up with family and friends in Pennsylvania and meeting Tyler’s family and friends (including a NEW friend — my friend Kevin) in Georgia.
Looking back
-Even though this one’s not technically over yet, vacations need to be longer. Or I need to take advantage of more three-day weekends.

I think that’s it! The Christmas card I sent out was, admittedly, a bit more focused on the happier sides of things, and I got a lot of flak for that because apparently people don’t LIKE hearing that lives are awesome. So I let this post have its ups and downs, including passive-aggressive anger about the number of Christmas cards I received (2), and I just came to a BRILLIANT conclusion. I’m going to keep sending cheerful Christmas cards out for spite. Yeah! If you don’t WANT a card, simply send me one first, and you’re off the list as a courtesy.

Just kidding, everyone. I love you all, and I’ll still send EVERYONE a card that’s on my List. I had a great year, but I’m still looking forward to 2010 as the year everyone stopped wearing the glasses with two zeroes in the middle as the eye holes. Ooh, and it’s the beginning of a new decade! Quick, everyone! Change your cultures and start doing totally new stuff that will make the stuff we’re doing now look old-fashioned and lame and SO TOTALLY ’00s. Yeah! Go team!

I didn’t want to sell my Jury Story short by plowing through it, but my new work hours have left precious little time for even eating dinner or playing video games, and so when I arrive home at the dark hour of 8:00 PM, I pretty much do only that. And I’d wanted to talk about my job, too, but I’m still trying to get a feel for what extent I can. When you’re working for an internet company where memes are spoken aloud while passing in the hallway and everyone is almost EXPECTED to own their own blog and have an internet presence, I’m sure it’s no problem that I occasionally talk about my work life. And I will! Later!

Let’s talk about Jury Duty.
The honorable judge Splinter presided over the courtroom, as Donatello the prosecution defended the state, and defense lawyers Raphael and Michaelangelo represented their respective clients, Beebop and Rocksteady. Why am I making light of justice and naming actual members of the proceedings after Ninja Turtles? One, as mentioned, I don’t need any other jurors or the defendants googling themselves and flipping tables over my take on the events. And I would just name them all Bob and Joe or something, but then it would be hard to keep track of who’s who by giving them average names (Sorry Bobs and Joes). So, I apologize for sounding so flippant for something that’s actually pretty serious, but, you know…anonymity is nice.

12 years ago, April O’Neil was minding her own business, running a liquor store/check cashing business in a sort of seedy part of town. Apparently someone had been casing the joint, because they knew the exact time of day (the same time every day) that she left work to go to the bank and grab a pouch of cash — usually $20,000 or so in varying, unmarked, and not-chronological bills.

On this day, she drove back from the bank, and a few regulars were sitting in the parking lot for various reasons. Right as she got out of her truck and started for the front door, a car zoomed around the corner and pulled up to her. The passenger hopped out, shot her, grabbed the bag of money, hopped back in the car, and zoomed off. As she lay bleeding on the ground, some of the workers and patrons came to her aid, but there was nothing they could do, and she died. It’s actually very sad.

Unfortunately, as you might guess when going about your day-to-day life, when the car zoomed in, the patrons in the parking lot didn’t pay too much attention. There are gangs and kids in the neighborhood who screw around, and once shots were fired that got their attention, the altercation was seconds from being over, and the assailant was back in the car, and it zoomed off.

Another problem — for whatever reason that was never brought up in court, but I have my guess — this happened 12 years ago. There were mentions of previous hearings, but it was never explained why that wasn’t settled. The witnesses on the stand recounted this story and were being pressed for specifics by the Turtles, but their stories didn’t line up. And not suspiciously, either. They’re old. It happened 12 years ago. One guy said it was a Buick. The other swore it was a small Honda coupe. One said it was red-red, and the other said dark burgundy. The Turtles would nervously look at their notes and say things like, “Well…red could mean burgundy, right?” and the witness would angrily reply, “No. Red. I’m sure it was red and not at all burgundy,” and the Turtle would say, “Well, 12 years ago, at the first hearing, you said burgundy. Does that refresh your memory?” and the other Turtle would object for leading the witness, and the witness would feel insulted, and it was just hard to tell what was what.

But at the end of the day, I guess you were just supposed to assume that there was one car, and later when the police showed a picture of a reddish, burgundyish car that sort of looked like a Buickey Honda, you decided that maybe those inconsistencies didn’t matter? It was hard to decide what mattered.

The reddish Honda squealed around the corner, up the block, and around another corner. Baxter Stockman was eating dinner with his mother, and the week prior, a gang shooting had happened on his block. So, when he heard squealing tires, he instinctively dove under the table, and his mother did the same. When he deemed the coast to be clear, he peeked over the ledge of the front window to see what caused the commotion, and lo and behold, he saw two figures get out of the car, rip off their shirts, and throw them to the ground. A few moments later, a gray car drove up, and they both hopped in. One of them holding a small bank bag.

The police caught up with the abandoned red car and took a statement from Baxter Stockman. Suspiciously (to me only, apparently), they waited several days to bring him to the station to give him a six-pack of photos to identify as the figures he had seen. He positively identified the driver, someone named Rocksteady, but was unable to finger Beebop. Beebop had been the passenger and was, thus, further away. Also only suspicious to me, Baxter admitted he had only seen Rocksteady for maybe 5 seconds, and I often forget what people I have known for years look like. Police cited (as did other jurors, but it is against the rules to bring prior CSI knowledge to the deliberation room) that because Baxter and Rocksteady were both Ninja Turtle Villains (or “members of the same race” to demuddle this metaphor), it was more likely that an identification was accurate.

Police got a hold of the car and took a heap of pictures. The license plate was flipped up, which showed premeditation. A two-way radio was found in the front seat — a possible communication between the red car and the gray car. Several sets of latex gloves were found on the floorboards. The shed t-shirts were found on the ground outside.

The timeline here gets sort of fuzzy. Beebop got picked up and incarcerated on unrelated charges and was kept in the dark regarding his suspected involvement in this issue. Rocksteady continued his life, although he was constantly monitored by undercover policemen. Apparently these policemen were not-so-great at being undercover, because on one drive with his young daughter, he drove right to the police station and asked why he was being trailed. They wouldn’t tell him.

Police spent their time doing side investigations involving DNA and dog-sniffers, and I hope that information will whet your appetite enough to be super excited for the final installment of Ninja Turtle Jury Duty, Part 2!