300

Well, I *was* defiantly waiting to post until SOMEONE on the internet responded to my totally answerable questions in the previous post. I mean, if this moron can mommyblog about her kid’s damn shoes for three sentences and get 10 comments, surely you can understand how I thought more highly of you, my good readers.
But I can hold my passive aggressive anger in no longer.
And now, boys and girls, it’s time for UNPOPULAR MOVIE OPINION, brought to you by Lauren! Don’t read ahead if you haven’t seen it or whatever because THAR BE SPOILIN’ AHEAD.
I thought 300 was fucking ridiculous. I’m torn, though. I swore that I loved “Sin City” because it was so pretty despite having virtually no plot and laughable dialogue. 300 was pretty. Don’t get me wrong. Yay Frank Miller. Yay zombie director. I just…
Okay, first I just have to get this out. There’s a scene where Mr. Hunchback visits Mr. Homosexual Persian Man to Judas it up. The scene starts off with an animatronic goat just hanging out. No one else in the theater reacted or seemed to mind. The goat is never mentioned or in the scene again. I can’t just pretend the goat wasn’t there.
There is also a scene where a man rides a pimped out rhinoceros into battle.
Much to my movie partner Melissa’s dismay, I burst out in hysterical laughter during these two scenes, which pretty much both sum up the movie for me.
My overall reaction to the entire movie was that it took itself WAY too seriously, but then got lighthearted at the wrong times.
Every line was delivered as if it should have appeared in the trailer. They should have just started every line of dialogue with “IN A WORLD…”
IN A WORLD WHERE TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL, AN ANIMATRONIC GOAT RIDES A RHINOCEROS INTO BATTLE!
Then there were other times where the writers decided to try their hand at comedy. The scenes that stick out in my mind are when Leonidas is walking all over the dead Persians and eating an apple. For some reason, all the soccer moms in the theater thought this was high-larious. Get it? He’s eating an apple amongst the blood and gore! Man, did Sacha Baron Cohen watch this movie when he wrote that joke about the SUIT NOT BEING BLACK?! Now, that’s comedy!
They use this joke a few times — acting like the carnage around them is actually daisies at a Sunday picnic, but to me, it really ruined the flow and the feel of the movie. I felt like during some melee swordfight, Leonidas was going to tell his opponent breathing in his face that he needed a breath mint.
It made me think back to my favorite scene in “Braveheart” where Stephen of Ireland tells William Wallace that God’s pretty sure he’s fucked. I wonder why it worked so well there and not in 300? I don’t know. It just seems like…they stayed in period character more in Braveheart?
There are many small things that annoyed me. The necklace that held absolutely no sentimental value other than having a sad face when passing it back and forth. The bad guy that looked like Sloth from “Goonies” who had swords for arms. The fact that Mr. Homosexual Persian Man looked like Jaye Davidson (of “Stargate” and “Crying Game” fame) and sounded like James Earl Jones through Witness Protection Voice Altering Software. The use of an electric guitar in the soundtrack of the rhinoceros scene which sucked in “A Knight’s Tale” and it sucked here. And finally, the following inner monologue I had with myself:
10-minutes-into-film Lauren: Wait, if they’re fighting the great epic battle now, and this movie is about this epic battle…is the rest of the movie just more CGI fighting?
2-hours-into-film Lauren: Ah, I see. Yes.
I guess I can understand why so many people liked it. Because so many people are boys. No, I even enjoyed the fighting, and I could appreciate the special effects. I don’t know. As I told Melissa, after each ridiculous epic line was spoken as if it were serious, I kept expecting Ashton Kutcher to hop out and tell us that of course this wasn’t really the movie and we should have seen our faces.
I will say this. Ladies, thanks to this movie, you have no more need to watch those lame low-budget pornos with no plot. “300” is a very high-budget porno with no plot. SPARTANS! LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS! AND YOUR CLOTHING! SLOWLY.
NO, NO, KEEP THE RED CAPE.

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