Game of Thrones

Honeybee Onion — Breaking News: Spoilers Now Totally Cool

(Spoilers below. Duh. Seriously, please do not read unless you have seen Season 3, Episode 9 of “Game of Thrones.”)

In a never-before-seen sense of solidarity, every person on any form of Social Media banded together last night and agreed that it’s totally okay to spoil things for all your peers. While the majority of humans cannot unite together under an agreed-upon religion, political party, or pizza topping, everyone on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and a myriad of other sites last night unanimously decided that their every thought about the ending of last night’s “Game of Thrones” — which they themselves did not see coming — needed to be shared via every social media platform available.

“You just knew that no rules applied for this episode,” said young Marie Schneider, a 23-year-old grad student who posted to Facebook after watching the show on Eastern time, before it had aired in the majority of time zones across the country. “I am usually the first to admonish others for spoilers, but when a show is one of the most popular on television, and it’s airing one of the most shocking and terrifying twists in entertainment history, I just knew it was okay to share my thoughts immediately with the 200 or so people I went to high school and college with, who also probably really enjoy the show and would have liked to experience it for themselves.”

Schneider was quick to specify that she didn’t technically say what happened in her vague status update which read: “Snap, well, I guess that’s what you get for naming your son Eddard! You die immediately. That’s what you get. From being stabbed.” She pointed out that you don’t know WHO is stabbed or who is doing the stabbing, but astute watchers in the Pacific time zone who aren’t complete morons were quickly able to figure it out.

Other viewers across the nation also cheerfully disregarded the “Gentleman’s Agreement” of neglecting to post spoilers by sharing various amusing memes of historic movie stabbings with the heads of “Game of Thrones” characters superimposed over them.

“Basically,” says Joe Robbins, age 15, “if you didn’t watch it live, then you’re poor and deserve to have things spoiled for you. That’s why I posted a Vine of the most shocking scene on loop so everyone across the nation could experience the heartbreak again, but from me this time.” When asked about people in different time zones, people who torrent but would pay for HBO if it were offered in their country, or those who planned to watch the show via DVR or HBO Go on a different date, Robbins reported they were “gay.”

As of this posting, nearly 98% of the people who watched last night’s episode of “Game of Thrones” have taken to Twitter or their social media outlet of choice to air their emotions both to those who have witnessed the heartbreaking discovery, as well as the hundreds of thousands of viewers who have yet to see the episode, and were actually looking forward to experiencing something fresh and on their own terms.

It should be noted that the remaining 2% exhibiting Social Media radio silence were press insiders who were permitted access to the episode earlier than HBO’s first airing at 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time and similarly took to Twitter right when their press copy finished. They have since deleted their Tweets after hearing righteous indignation from their followers who were appalled at the lack of “Spoiler Alert” preceding the tweets. Of course, those followers went on to do the exact same thing when they watched it some hours later.

At press time, George R.R. Martin was unavailable for comment, because he is hiding in a cave somewhere.