Sacha is hilarious…NOT! (pretend I am saying this to a professional joke teller)

I don’t even know where to begin listing my problems with Sacha Baron Cohen. Is it because he wants so desperately to go down in history as the new Andy Kaufman? Who was also unfunny? Is it because everyone in the world is frothing at the mouth over his antics, and not getting what everyone else loves makes me angry? I guess it’s me. I don’t “get” him, and I don’t get why his MTV Awards thing was anything other than yawn fodder. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s here maybe.)

Nope, I don’t get how practicing a stunt with technicians, all who have cleared the stunt with the show’s producer Mark Burnett and the “mark,” Eminem, can be considered “stuff of award show legend for the next 20 years” (“source”). Even if it WASN’T staged, how is it hilarious? Or even mildly funny? I imagine the thought process of the audience went something like this: “Oh, no, did something really bad happen with the cables? Gosh, I hope he doesn’t hurt him– Oh, wait. It’s that guy. That guy who always pranks everyone. Ah, I see. He is pulling a prank. He very slowly “fell” on someone. Ah, Eminem. A macho-type guy, perhaps homophobic; the last type of person who you’d think a gay character like Bruno would be 69ing with. Okay. I see. So…what, uh…what’s happening next?”

I will admit also…I have not seen his movies, nor do I plan to. They stress me out. I have been forced “Clockwork Orange”-style by friends with otherwise-normal senses of humor — senses of humor I respect and that are similar to mine — to watch episodes of “Ali G.” I didn’t get it then, either. Okay, so he has a funny accent. Check. He wears silly clothes. Check. So, far, he’s achieved circus clown hilarity. Oh, and he’s a rapper/talk show host, I guess, so, what, is he holding up a mirror to rappers? To people who try too hard to be cool? Or is he doing a brilliant parody of the tiny subset of delusional rappers who take themselves way too seriously who occasionally trick members of high political office into doing inane interviews? I guess is it straight-man comedy? Like, “look at the stuffed shirt talking to the silly rapper about ice cream gloves. This is funny because the person does not get this joke!”

Sorry, I’d rather hear a joke.

And I haven’t seen “Borat,” because it came out in an uncomfortable post-9/11 time where it was suddenly super hip to HATE America. And he went out and tricked a handful of nuns and rednecks, and all of his sycophants LAUGHED and laughed at how stupid America is, without realizing that they themselves were examples of how a tiny microcosm doesn’t reflect the exact feelings of the whole. It’s the same reason I didn’t want to see “Religulous,” but I eventually did. I saw it and thought: Okay. Bill Maher raises some interesting points. But…I’ll bet I can find 20 dumb atheists to say something stupid, too. Does that mean all atheists are dumb and no one should be atheist if they feel like it? If I quote a vegan saying something silly, can I finally crush veganism for good, with a legion of ass-kissing followers behind me?

And I don’t want to see “Bruno” either. Let me guess. He’s going to put non-gay people in uncomfortable situations. Maybe he will hand a dildo to a shy grandmother. Wouldn’t that just be hilarious? Get it? Old, meek people. Hardcore gay sex. They conventionally do not mix! And yet here he is, juxtaposing them right here for us! The jokes write themselves! I guess that’s my problem with him.