What your method of online procrastination says about you:
Taking Quizzes
Maybe you saw the results posted somewhere else and thought it was an accurate description of that person. Maybe you’re just obsessed with the topic and hoped you would get your favorite character/drink/STD. If you’re supposed to be doing something else, what’s the harm in taking a little quiz? Those radio buttons are just too easy to click!
Too Bad You
End up fudging the results so that you do indeed end up being a Carrie Bradshaw Martini Herpes. Or Raphael Gin and Tonic Crabs.
I think the quiz you really need to take is: Why do I obsessively take online quizzes and think other people give a crap what I scored? A) I have low self-esteem. B) Online quizzes beat me when I was a kid. C) I have actually gained many friends from the results of my scores and am now very popular and also a liar. D) All of the above. E) All of the above INCLUDING the phrase “All of the above” above.
Reading Celebrity Gossip
Oh, man. You TOTALLY knew about Brittney and K-Fed — OR SHOULD I SAY FED-EX?!?! — before the rest of the world! Ew, and the blogger who posted the news TOTALLY drew a penis in MS Paint right next to K-Fed’s face! PRICELESS.
Does that mean he’s gay? ONLY THE BLOGGER KNOWS FOR SURE.
Too Bad You
Are wasting valuable brain cells devoted to following these pointless stories. You know that one episode of “Married With Children” where Al is trying to teach Kelly trivia to win a game show, but for every new fact she learns, an old one is forgotten, including that Al scored 4 touchdowns at Polk High, which was the final question? You don’t remember it? Neither do I. You know why? Because I know that Lindsey Lohan is causing problems in rehab. Thank you, Lindsey, for being a stumbling drunk slut. Now I can’t even remember cautionary tales from my favorite TV show from when I was a kid.
Filling Out Surveys:
Nothing says “Get to know me as a person” like posting 74 damn myspace bulletins about how you prefer Coke over Pepsi and that your latest text message was BRB BBQ LOL from your cousin.
Too Bad You
Are the only person who will ever read the survey you filled out. IF someone else stumbles across it, they will read the questions because they will be thinking of whatever funny thing they will put when they fill it out.
Watching Viral Videos
Why, back in MY day, College Humor was something that involved me shoving my drunken male roommate into one of my prettiest dresses. Back in my day, YouTube was accessing the Network Neighborhoods of people in your dorm and trading videos of Bill Gates getting a pie in the face.
Thank God the internet has grown to where it is today, and I can now find video after video of teenage boys inexplicably jumping off houses into shopping carts full of knives pointing upwards while their buddy laughs hysterically behind the camcorder.
Too Bad You
Don’t get shocked by anything anymore because you’ve seen Jackass AND Jackass 2. And MTV, or as I like to call it, ALL BAM MARGERA ALL THE TIME. Catch his new series, “Bam Attends His Grandmother’s Funeral”! What will that lovable scamp do this time? Well, we don’t want to give away too much, but we’ll just say one word: Roller-Coffin.
Endlessly Refreshing Your Various E-mail Accounts
It’s an old joke, but it still holds true. Every minute closer to the deadline of whatever you’re supposed to be doing is a new minute where someone may have e-mailed you! Quick, check Gmail. Nothing? Check hotmail. Hmm, nothing? How about myspace mail? Nothing?! AND no new picture comments?
Too Bad You
Didn’t respond to the creepy guy who left your school in 3rd grade and somehow found you online and asked you, “So what’s been going on since we last saw each other?” Maybe if you had, you would have some new e-mail from him to read. Or a restraining order to send.
Well, I’ve gone through all of my bookmarks — I MEAN run out of things to make fun of people about, so I guess that’s it. I hope you enjoyed reading this comprehensive and informative article instead of doing something you really needed to do. I feel honored.


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