Early Morning Cafe

I’ve been sitting in this restaurant for twenty minutes and the manager has been peering over the kitchen partition at me for the entire twenty.
He thinks I don’t see him. He’s partly right, since I took my glasses off, because I can’t just sit at a table with glasses on, so I can’t really tell if he’s staring at me as if I were about to shovel a salt shaker in my pocket or as if I’m about to take off my shirt.
I just caught his eye again. Maybe.
He walked past me at fifteen minutes to ask if the food I was delivered was to my satisfaction.
I informed him that it was and I tried to smile innocently, but how innocent can one look with a mouthful of Eggs Benedict?
Now I’m trying to act naturally because I know I’m being watched, but I have to awkwardly hold the fork in my left hand, because I am sitting too close to the wall for proper elbow leverage with a right-hand grip.
He can’t be looking at me, can he?
I’ve stolen a bunch of glances, but, as I said, with my glasses folded on the table, it’s impossible to tell if he’s meeting my gaze or if he’s looking over my head for some salt thief just behind me.
He just walked past me again. Now this is getting ridiculous. I pretended to be looking at a basket hanging on the wall, which should have given him ample time to take stock of the condiments which still remained on the table.
There’s a little kid with a crayon haphazardly grasped in her hand crawling all over the table next to me. A perfect diversion for any restaurant manager to set his watchful eye over, but instead, he keeps a steady gaze on me.
I suddenly get the urge to pitch my salt shaker at his head, but the plan is quickly aborted, not only because the wayward Crayon Girl could lunge in the line-of-fire at any moment, but also because, without my glasses, my aim would be way off and I would likely hit my own waitress, who was nice enough to bring me a water without my even asking, even though I really wanted one, but I felt guilty or ordering a coffee and and orange juice.
I quickly checked the levels of each. Maybe that was it. Stare at the indecisive girl, eh? Well, sir, maybe YOU can decide whether you want to enjoy the fruity coolness of juice or the warm smoothness of coffee or the neutral water that seems to cleanse between sips of each, but I cannot!
Doing your rounds again, little man?
Yes, pretend you’re asking Crayon Girl and her family how they’re enjoying their meal. After all, she only has one apple juice and that’s in a sippy cup.
If I hadn’t already tucked the salt shaker into my bag, I would whip it at your head right here and now.

Things I think of at work pt. 2

The icon for Microsoft OutLook is not only a clock showing 3:00, but it’s also an “O” with an “L” inside. As …