Help us, Mama, we’ve ALL got weasels in our pants!

So I was just outside taking my 15 minute afternoon break, when I was chased around the back of the building by a bee the size of a Big Mac, and I took that as a sign that I should update my website.
Bees get angry if I don’t keep pollenating the minds of you internet viewers with my tasty, tasty verbal honey of wit.
Well, the summer is nearly upon us, and uh, that’s becoming a problem.
See, most of you cats stop growing when you get to a certain age, say fifteen, but not Lauren.
I thought I was just gaining weight unexpectedly, and I think the truth of it is, I’m gaining height.
It’s all fine and good, but I’m a little sick of everyone I meet going “Jesus, Lauren, did you get bigger?” and then having me ponder the ramifications of a nice healthy eating disorder.
Some of them are a little more tactful, like Paco’s exclamation last night at dinner, “Jesus, Lauren, have your boobs grown?”
Now, it didn’t occur to me until right this second, that the reason I’ve been trying to lose weight is because I don’t technically “fit” into a lot of my old “clothes” anymore. My shirts are too tight, my pants are too high, and the only thing I can think is…I’m becoming the Hulk at a very, very slow rate.
Don’t make me angry.
Now, the problem is…I don’t have enough money to be going around purchasing a new wardrobe, so something must be done, and the only thing that I’ve come up with so far, is taping two shirts together.
With the impending summer and increased amount of time being spent half-naked, I’m going to have to work on that healthy body image thing everyone keeps talking about, and I think the first step to that is having a healthy body.
Which would be fine, if even members of the insect kingdom would stop reminding me how delicious Big Macs were.

There’s no crying in baseball

Today, I’d like to talk to you about a disturbing trend I’ve noticed in my favorite channel of all time. Comedy Central…you …

Wocka, wocka, wocka

Well, Jordan’s coming to stay with me this weekend, and for you hard core HBM old schoolers, you will know that nothing …

Repent, Sinners

Well, the apokalypse is clearly upon us. Felicia and I began fearing for our lives and afterlives the second we saw the …

For the rest of us

So, yesterday my company celebrated Festivus. How fucking cool is MY company? Who celebrates Festivus? All these people brought in ALL this …